Saturday, November 28, 2009

I've spent the last hour or more sitting here with my laptop.  I've been in a funk today and sequestered into my fog with a migraine.  This happens to me about once a month (any guess why).  My head and heart feel heavy.  I'm a fairly intelligent person and I realize that I only feel this way due to the surging and plunging hormones in my body BUT it still makes me think that I may be on my way to the crazy ward.  (They're coming to take me away ha ha, they're coming to take me away hee hee).  Does anybody else hear those voices?

I get so frustrated with myself because I actually try to control the emotions.  I would organize them if I could get a handle on them.  Is that OCD?  Um, yep pretty sure there Doc.
It's like everything from the last few weeks that I shrugged off or that I dealt with in a nonchalant manor comes rushing back at me, forcing me to second guess everything and slamming me into the wall, sliding me down into the corner, head in my hands...taking a time out.

So rather then not acknowledge this slight break down I've decided to embrace it.  I will be writing from my heart and not from the best frame of mind so I most likely will not fair well grammatically.

I feel sad.  I am thinking about friendships that I haven't been taking care of.  That no matter how much I do I still feel like I need to do more.  Worrying that I've hurt people around me so much that they hold me at arms length the way I do with certain people in my life.

I'm feeling invisible to certain people.  Feeling very self critical and I've been picking at my face today so that means I have a bunch of red marks which in turn leaves me feeling anxious about showing my face in public tomorrow.

Thinking about my past and being nostalgic.  Being self critical.  Thinking I'm not a good enough mother.  Feeling at a loss since my emotions are dull and my thoughts scattered.

Feeling that I arrived too late but not exactly sure where I arrived late to.  Feeling dismissed buy the ones I wish would give me more.  Thinking about way to many different what-if scenarios.

Feeling like I'm never taken seriously because I'm the only one who is "always so serious".

Realizing just now that I'm having a hard time with a blog idea that I've been editing since the beginning of November because the subject matter is something I truly SUCK AT need to work on.  It has become more a self help blog then a sharing blog.  I think I like that idea.  Maybe I will be able to finish it and post it soon.

Yea for that total break through moment.

I am now happy that this blog is not completely full of depression, funk and self-pity.

I wait patiently for the fog to lift and move out and for my super blogness-self to return!

{{{{{Giving myself a hug}}}}}

You want one too?




Kristen said...

When my "Aunt" visits, I too feel down. Sucks. Sometimes I wonder if it's really how I'm feeling everyday, but blame it on the hormones instead. It's in our genes to be down. Sometimes life is overwhelming with some days being better then others. You are not alone. All one can do is focus on the now and make the best of it, no matter what. Life is short. I love you and I'll take that hug and will replace it with a hug to you (((HUG))) <3

Anonymous said...

Did you know that migraines seem to plague our family?? Your great-grandmother Kelly suffered from them,but none of her daugthers did, I had them from early childhood and though meds took the edge off, it never took the pain away completely. An ice bag, quiet room and if possible sleep were my best friends. The upside is that after Menopause, I was free!!!!! a blessing of getting older. LOL

Bobbi said...

Kerri, you are connecting with a lot of people on this one. There are very few people who do not feel this way once and a while, but as an intellegent and aware individual you are doing something positive with it.
Thanks for sharing and connecting.