Monday, November 30, 2009

30 posts in 30 days? Check. Not Me! Monday. Check.

I sit in our living room when I write.  I sit with my body at an angle and my feet up on the chaise lounge.  When holding my current laptop I have to also hold a phone book and a deck of cards.  The post it pad that supported the power cord got upgraded to a deck of cards, I forgot to share that.  I'm figuring by the end of 2010 I might be upgraded to a cinder block.  Let's all hope it doesn't get that far and I get a new laptop to enjoy very, very soon.

The living room is not the ideal place for me to write because my opportunities to write are either during the boys nap time which can be an inconsistent time frame or at night when Darren is home.  If Darren is home that most likely means the television is on and I find myself doing a rare form of television laptop rubbernecking.  Last night I wore headphones and listened to music to drown out the television noise. I do what I have to do to get my writing in.

It may not be exactly the most conducive environment for writing but it works.  It's worked for the last 30 days, allowing me sometimes 2 posts a day.  Amazing!  For me anyway.  Go me!

I've earned the right to say I'm a participant and completer of the NaBloPoMo.

30 posts in 30 days.  I did it!  It was a fun goal to achieve and it empowers me to set more.   I'll be continuing my efforts into December.  If I make myself sit and write I normally am very glad that I did.

Thanks to those of you who have read, became followers and commented.  You encourage me and make my heart happy.

Now, on to Not me Monday!!

I did not start a pack of birth control pills on Sunday after saying for 6 years that I would never go back on them.  I was not advised by my doctor to start taking them due to my abnormal hormone surges, my anxiety and my migraines.

I did not slam down the mouse of the computer at work yesterday because the computer was running so slow and I couldn't refresh the screen fast enough to see if my order for a laptop was acutally being processed.  I did not frantically call Darren from my work and whine like a spoiled bratty child that the computers were so slow and it was not fair!!  I also did not curse loudly then worry that there might be a hidden camera in the office.

I did not rush out this morning with the intention on getting paint for the living room.  I did not purchase it and bring it home.  I did not feed my boys lunch and rush them upstairs to their naps so that I could get back downstairs to paint.  I did not blog their entire nap time instead of paint.  I did not.  That would just be senseless and totally unproductive.

I did not just remember my bottle of wine in the fridge and lick my lips.

I did not just glance at the clock and wonder if it's too early to have a glass of wine.

I did not enjoy writing my last blog to commence my 30 posts in 30 days.  I do not feel tons proud.  I do not have more thoughts and ideas running around in my head.

I did not hold a candycane for about 15 minutes while my son licked it so that he wouldn't get sticky and either would our couch.

That's all I got for now.  Check out what everyone else hasn't been doing over at MckMama's.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Deeper then surface

Invest means gain.  Do you invest?

I have never been comfortable making small talk and because I'm not I hardly ever initiate a conversation.  I have become increasingly aware of this as I grow older, especially now being thrown into a more social  phase because I have children.

It's becoming a very rare thing to go to a public place with the boys and not be caught in small talk with strangers.  Someone always has a comment about the boys or questions or just something to say. When it happens a part of my psyche freezes and I cringe.  My mind races, my thoughts collide and as I begin to panic the other person fills the awkward silence by saying even more thus sending me into sensory overload.  Engaging.  Strangers.  I  s t r u g g l e.

Not for the reasons you'd expect though.  I am not really shy.  I am confidant in speaking and sharing my knowledge, my opinion and my thoughts. That's how I am around my close knit friends. I'm a talker, friendly and comfortable in my own skin.

I'm not surrounded by tons of people because of this.  Because I'd rather have 4 close relationships then 261 surface ones. 

When it comes to people... I don't buy, I invest.  My problem isn't turning it on, it's turning it off.

I am not a small talker because it feels cheap to me. Why put in the effort if you're not going to get any return? It's just not worth it to me.  I never know how much to share.  I tend to share to much and often feel over extended and empty because I don't get anything back.  I rarely find the middle ground.  I'm here to have relationships not to chit chat.

Friendships.  I want friendships not acquaintances. 

Our society is making me have to learn the skill of small talk though because without it I'd walk by hundreds of people and never make contact.  Because people are too busy or shut off to new beginnings to invest in someone that isn't already in their life.  I only know how to have emotional connections.  Surface talk makes me uncertain and uncomfortable but I am beginning to see why it works for so many people.

I've learned that some small talk can be beneficial.  Small talk with the customer service representative might get you a discount or at the very least service with a smile.  Asking the gray haired gentleman who speaks of his grandchildren how old they are will make him feel important and appreciated and asking your boss how their holiday was will hopefully lead to more connections with them in the future.  Small talk is like a short term investment.

The fact that I'm not a surface talker is probably pretty obvious but at least I'm trying.   I will always prefer a conversation with a close friend to one with someone who doesn't even know my name.  But I understand they can both be valuable tools to have.  

What about you?  When you talk are you sharing things about yourself or is all the information your "sharing" about someone else you know?  Are you willing to let your guard down and relate to another human being?  Are you being yourself? 

Are you able to connect? Or do you to choose to remain a surface talker?  Asking how someone is but walking to fast to hear their response.  Skimming the surface. Not dwelling on one subject but instead jumping from topic to topic so as to not get to deep or invested.

Invest means gain.  Do you invest? 

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I've spent the last hour or more sitting here with my laptop.  I've been in a funk today and sequestered into my fog with a migraine.  This happens to me about once a month (any guess why).  My head and heart feel heavy.  I'm a fairly intelligent person and I realize that I only feel this way due to the surging and plunging hormones in my body BUT it still makes me think that I may be on my way to the crazy ward.  (They're coming to take me away ha ha, they're coming to take me away hee hee).  Does anybody else hear those voices?

I get so frustrated with myself because I actually try to control the emotions.  I would organize them if I could get a handle on them.  Is that OCD?  Um, yep pretty sure there Doc.
It's like everything from the last few weeks that I shrugged off or that I dealt with in a nonchalant manor comes rushing back at me, forcing me to second guess everything and slamming me into the wall, sliding me down into the corner, head in my hands...taking a time out.

So rather then not acknowledge this slight break down I've decided to embrace it.  I will be writing from my heart and not from the best frame of mind so I most likely will not fair well grammatically.

I feel sad.  I am thinking about friendships that I haven't been taking care of.  That no matter how much I do I still feel like I need to do more.  Worrying that I've hurt people around me so much that they hold me at arms length the way I do with certain people in my life.

I'm feeling invisible to certain people.  Feeling very self critical and I've been picking at my face today so that means I have a bunch of red marks which in turn leaves me feeling anxious about showing my face in public tomorrow.

Thinking about my past and being nostalgic.  Being self critical.  Thinking I'm not a good enough mother.  Feeling at a loss since my emotions are dull and my thoughts scattered.

Feeling that I arrived too late but not exactly sure where I arrived late to.  Feeling dismissed buy the ones I wish would give me more.  Thinking about way to many different what-if scenarios.

Feeling like I'm never taken seriously because I'm the only one who is "always so serious".

Realizing just now that I'm having a hard time with a blog idea that I've been editing since the beginning of November because the subject matter is something I truly SUCK AT need to work on.  It has become more a self help blog then a sharing blog.  I think I like that idea.  Maybe I will be able to finish it and post it soon.

Yea for that total break through moment.

I am now happy that this blog is not completely full of depression, funk and self-pity.

I wait patiently for the fog to lift and move out and for my super blogness-self to return!

{{{{{Giving myself a hug}}}}}

You want one too?



Friday, November 27, 2009

Scrape, Spackle, Paint

I haven't written out my December to-do list yet.  These last two weeks have gone by so fast but surprisingly a lot of things still got done and not really anything is falling behind.....yet.

Thanksgiving is my cue to get things moving on all the projects I said I wanted completed by the end of the year.  It's like that final exam cram session in school, always waiting till the last second.  Darren and I work well under pressure most of the time.  We tend to work really well when we have money to actually buy supplies for the projects that need to be completed.  Go figure.

Darren is in taking a victory shower.  He replaced 18 broken or saggy tiles in the dining room.  It looks great.  Since we bought the house, almost 5 years ago, the sag has been there.  The tiles are those tongue and groove type.  Fairly simple to replace until he got down to the last tile.  I stayed out of the way.  Darren's determination mode is most often, stay out of his way or die get hurt mode.

I scraped and patched the ceiling in the parlor today.  It will dry over night and then tomorrow hopefully I will be able to sand it smooth and paint it.  We bought a pretty little round medallion to go above the fan in there and we got a new rug too.  The dogs pissed had accidents all over the previous one.

I am a little nervous.  That tends to happen to me when I don't get my thoughts organized and onto paper.  There is a lot that needs to be done along with a lot of things I want to do.  

I have to plan a day for Jacek and I to cut out snowflakes and start the cookie making process.  I love making Christmas cookies using Grandma Wheeler's sugar cookie recipe.  My mouth is watering at the very thought.  I can not wait. 

I have plans to revamp my blog layout.  I won't do that until after accomplishing my goal though.  Only 3 more posts to go after this one.  I can hardly believe how easy and enjoyable it's been this time around.  

I also want to repaint the living room before Christmas.  A few months ago I thought I was doing a good thing by painting over some marks and blemishes but it turned out that I used a different color yellow then the original.  So now some of the walls have obvious stupid looking marks that really need to disappear.  We also just ordered a neat little stand for our television so having a new color on the walls would be an extra nice touch. 

I need to get all that done before decorating the house for Christmas. I guess I need to find all my Christmas decoration totes first.  I have a lot!  
Then we need to pick a weekend to go and cut down our tree.

Lots to do, lots to do.  Hopeful sans anxiety attacks.

Just gotta get my ass in gear, right Dad?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

You are the wine in my glass

I went out in search of a Thanksgiving card for you.  There were only a few to choose from and I read each one like three times.

The gist of them was something like "I am thankful for you."  Which I am.  But they didn't even begin to touch on WHY I'm thankful for you.

You are an incredible person.  It's not often I get to see you outside the roles I am used to seeing you in.  But you make people laugh, you make people think, you make people smile.  Your laugh is contagious and it has different levels to it.  You are often so easy-spirited.  Jovial. 

You roll.  Go with the flow.  What happens, happens.  I'm thankful for your spontaneous nature.  I learn from it every single time.

You are athletic and determined to stay healthy.  You inspire young adults with your enthusiasm and zest.  You are sexy.

You are an amazing father.  You get right in there and just do.  I relied on you in those first few months with both of our sons.  I'd hand them off to you.  You jiggled and bounced and danced and sang...till your sons were asleep.  I would come down the stairs in search of you, to a quiet house, to my snoring husband holding our child on his chest.  Thank you.

I am thankful for any and every uninterrupted conversation with you.  They have become far and in between.

You are learning to spot my breaking point.  You know when I'm about to shut off, blow up, freak out, pig out, start shaking, etc. I've noticed you trying to be proactive rather then reactive.  I take notice of your approach and it often calms me.  I thank you for trying.

I am thankful because you are faithful. To our family, to me, to our marriage.   You are loyal. 

I am thankful for the nights you come to bed with me.  You are an amazing husband.

I am a very lucky woman.  I know that.  I just act like I don't so you won't know that I know.

Almost seven years ago I married the "love of my life".  I had no idea. None. Thank you for showing me that "love of my life" is our destination.  You are the beginning of my every day. 

Thank you for being my little spot of sanity.

Today and everyday I am so very, very thankful for you. 

I'm thankful for you.  Because, that's why.

*To the D, to the K.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wordless KETCHUP Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Relationship A

There are a lot of websites dedicated to bashing mother in laws.  In my research I stumbled across tons of them, browsed through them and was left unsatisfied with the written word that most mother in law relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning.

I disagree.

Every single relationship you have in your life can be enjoyed and if not enjoyed it can be tolerated.  Tolerated sounds awful but it’s all in how you look at it.  I have people in my life I tolerate because it’s for the greater good.  I’ve discovered that in understanding that I control only my behavior, my attitude and my reaction things in those tolerated relationships are beginning to shift.  After all tolerate means the same thing as accept.

Are you beginning to cringe at the thought of me blogging about my mother in law?  I promise you that I have discussed much of what I am writing with her beforehand.  She’s on board with this new discovery and while she may have a knot in her stomach right now reading this I think putting our efforts in writing will hold us to our commitment to change.

She has been my mother in law for almost 7 years but I have known her for 10.  Up until now our relationship has always been undefined, not really friends, not really enemies, not really close, not really stand offish.  It is what it is.  I spent a lot of those 10 years trying to figure her out, trying to get her to see the real me, trying to make nice, giving the benefit of the doubt, being un-confrontational, being too abrasive.  You name it and I probably did it.  We haven't been very consistent with any thing other then riding an emotional roller coaster.

When I say our relationship is what it is I'm not trying to be mean.  That is how I have chosen to accept it. As  It. Is. There's no question that our relationship needs "T.L.C - tender loving care" and that it causes both of us the crazies - way more then it should.  I set out to find the tools I needed to make myself behave better towards her.

I examined this relationship from every angle I could think of.  I searched it on Google, read magazine articles, books and even became a lurker on a mother in laws unite website.

I learned a lot and immediately implemented several things right away and shortly after emailing my mother in law with my thoughts she replied that she agreed and would be trying a new approach as well.

I began to understand that we will not like everything about the other nor will we like everything the other does.  The key here is to respect our differences.
In most instances, the mother/daughter in law relationship is a sensitive one.  Most feel it needs to be treaded on lightly.  I don’t necessarily agree.  In my opinion, respect and honesty is better then any sugar coated over done compliment.  We need to stop taking things so personally.  We were both thrown into this relationship.  We need to stop trying to make it something it isn’t and focus on what it is.  The most we can do is voice our opinion but not expect it to be taken into consideration, it is after all just our opinion.

I need to stop fearing being honest and expect my wishes to be respected.  I need to stick to my guns and not waiver because her feelings could get hurt.  While she may control the type of relationship she has with my sons and husband she is not in control of my home, my sons or my husband.  Honesty needs to happen with us because besides the foundation of loving the same people we don’t have much else to build on.

I need to increase my respect for her as my husband’s mother and my children's grandmother.  Ultimately the relationship she has with them is not of my concern unless it affects their well being.  I need to work on not becoming defensive when I see missed opportunities between her and them because fulfilling her promises to them is her responsibility and not mine.

I have taken a step back from her.  Darren needs to re-establish better communication with her and needs to re-assume responsibility for his mother.  I happily assumed a lot of it when we got married but he got too comfortable with me doing it all, all the time. This doesn't mean I won't be doing it at all but just not as much.

In stepping back I noticed an instant change in myself.

I have to stop trying so hard to get her to understand me and trying to convince her that I want her here for the boys and to visit and to feel welcomed.  I can't do it anymore because after 10 years of knowing me either she knows it and believes it or she doesn’t.  I can't keep wasting the energy focused on the wrong things.

We will be alright.  We agree to try approaching our relationship and each other differently.  We will figure it out.

Life is too short to be focused on the wrong things. We owe it to ourselves and those that surround us to be better.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Not Me! Monday 11/23/2009

To see what everyone else is not doing head on over to Mckmama's blog. 
comment me with what you haven't been up to.

I did not almost decide to not write a Not Me post.  I did not start thinking that maybe I should post something different.  I did not think that coming up with a few things for the post would be difficult.  I did not go against my better judgment and post one anyway.

I did not miss my CROCKPOT when I was away visiting Bobbi. 

I did not leave Jacek's bedroom after building the most AWESOMENIST tent/fort ever to be called back in after only 2 minutes by a screaming crying 3 year old because his little brother had already destroyed said tent.  I did not raise my voice over the screaming child in order to say "Naughty Aidan".  I did not point my finger at Aidan and shake my hand up and down and say "No No". 

I did not have to empty the canister of my vacuum cleaner twice while cleaning up the house this morning.  I did not find a huge furr ball in Aidan's wet hand.  I did not gag while cleaning it off.

I did not let Jacek out of his bedroom before 8:00 this morning because I couldn't wait to eat donut holes and talk with him.

I did not avoid most of my to-do list so far today.

And lastly:

While I was in Virginia I most definately DID NOT take a photograph of Bobbi wearing every single scarf that she owns.  Nope, not me!

See, I have not been up to much.  Have you?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it. -- George Moore

Jacek came running to me when he saw me in the airport.  Aidan waddled after him.  Jacek wasn't smiling.  He looked determined to get to me and to make me stay and never go away again.  His expression brought me to tears.  When he reached me we hugged, I heard him sigh and after a few moments he pulled away and went and hid behind Darren.  I focused my attention on Aidan and Darren giving Jacek some space. 

Walking next to Darren, Jacek pulled my luggage and I carried Aidan as we left the airport.

Arriving home where things are familiar, to a home that is as much mine as it is my husbands and my sons, to where my family lives, laughs and loves I realized how tired I was.

After we ate lunch and played with toys I had brought home for the boys I took them up for their naps.  Jacek hugged me tight and said he hadn't wanted to hug me anymore at the airport because I was hot and my face was wet.  But he was happy to hug me now, because my cheeks were cool and my nose wasn't sniffy.

My house is often loud.  My floors are often littered with toys.  My cabinets and shelves are often dusty.  My patience is sometimes short.  My voice is sometimes raised.

I began this day waking up in Bobbi's guest room in Virginia.  I end this day EXHAUSTED with my skin once again smelling sweet, like the boys and my husband.  I end this day with my heart fitting in that last spot on the puzzle board which completes our family and makes us whole again.

My heart is full.  My life is sweet.  My soul complete.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Good Times, Good Friends, Good-byes

In less then 12 hours I will be on a plane flying back home to New York.  To my family.  To where I belong.

This trip has been a wonderful experience,  the perfect length, and a great escape from my normal.

Darren and I lived in North Carolina for almost four years.  It was nice to re-visit the "South".  I didn't realize how much I missed hearing the southern accent and being outside the week before Thanksgiving and not having to wear a heavy coat, a scarf and gloves.  It has been a wonderful visit but it is time for me to go home.

Bobbi and I have known each other since 1st grade.  It was so nice to meet some of her friends and co-workers and to get a little glimpse into her life here in Virginia.  I'm grateful to her and Mike for welcoming me into their home and for showing me a great time.  Strengthing core relationships helps make sense of lose ends.  I've enjoyed their company and conversations, immensely.

Tomorrow morning I will fly back

to my home

to my husband

to my sons

to where I belong.

Thank you Bobbi and Mike for a wonderful time.  I am so thankful to have you in my life, still, after so many years, so many changes and so many memories.

I hope you continue to do the things you enjoy and love.  Continue taking care of each other and living in the moment.  You have a beautiful life here in Virginia.  I am happy for you both and wish all things good for you.

Thank you for the laughs and the smiles.  It's been a blast.

Baby, I'm coming home!  See you soon.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Touring Richmond, VA with Bobbi

Wow!  What a fantastic day.  The weather could not have been better.  The SUN, wow, it was shining down on us today and I picked the right shoes to wear so that means I am still a very happy girl!
We toured the Capitol

had lunch at Cafe Guttenberg where we had delicious sweet potato fries and salads.

browsed around the shops at Carytown (a street of small boutiques) and bought coffee and a slice of banana bread at Bin 22.  Cafe Mocha and banana bread = so good! 

Then we drove around Hollywood Cemetary

and then visited some other local scenic spots.  The pictures turned out amazing and upon viewing them made the day that more special because I had captured many of the moments I wanted to with exactly the feeling I had hoped for.

Here's a few more.  When I get back home I will upload them to an album and link to it in a blog next week.

Mike is making steaks and baked potatos for Bobbi and I and then will be our designated driver tonight while Bobbi and I get to indulge ourselves with "adult beverages" and fun. 

Oh, and I bought 2 hats!!  They are totally cute.  I will post pics of me wearing them soon. 

Sending love to my boys and my hubby.  Miss you guys.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Traveling Thursday Two

The flight from Rochester to JFK was not terrible. There ended up being 2 toddlers, 2 infants and 14 teenagers. The crying infant #1 sat behind me but my music drowned out the wailing. I did overhear the mother remark to another passenger that they were traveling 12 hours to see Daddy for Thanksgiving. The crying became tolerable after hearing that.

One of the toddlers sat kiddy corner to me and I watched him eat the lose threads off his shirt sleeve. He bit them off, chewed them up and swallowed and no, I did not tell his Mom.

We were late arriving to JFK and I had to run to my next gate. They had already boarded but I made it.

I boarded the plane and used the teeny tiny bathroom. Despite all my efforts to crouch above the seat I still almost fell, ended up grabbing the seat and peed on myself instead.

But. I made my flight. Arrived in Richmond early and am waiting for Bobbi.

Till tomorrow.

Traveling Thursday

I am trying to blog from my phone. Hopefully it will work.

Here are some random things from my wait at Rochester airport this morning.

What is it about blue plastic gloves that immediatley makes me think of cavity searches? Am I the only one who thinks this?

Oh boy, there is going to be an infant on board the plane, oh and an toddler. This could be a very long flight and we are only going to JFK.

The man closet to me in the waiting area just shared this same thought with his wife.

Infant #2 just arrived along with 12 teenagers.

Infant #1 is now crying.

Do large intercom systems really work? All I hear is somebody speaking in code.

Our plane has arrived and I sent a picture of it to Jacek via Darrens phone.

Ta Ta for now.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wordless Wednesday 11/18/09

I'm gonna miss my boys while I'm in Virginia.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Tuesday Tidbits

It's a late post for me.  I've been really good at getting my blogs either completely written, half way written or at least formed in my mind before the "day of" actually arrives.

Not today but that's ok because I've really got a different outlook on this blogging everyday thing this time around and don't really feel pressured to pour out the thoughts.

Tonight, I don't really have an entire thought to blog about. I have so much going on that I just have some morsels of thought.  I'll just write them as they come to me.

I went out tonight to get my hair trimmed and to stop at Walmart.  It should have been a quick trip but apparently I can't make a quick trip. Normally I blame it on the boys but the common denominator here is me.  I ended up going to 7 different stores in search of brown boots and black shoes for my trip to Richmond, VA.  It just sounds like it should have been an easy thing doesn't it?  Well, it wasn't.  Oh, did I get brown boots and black shoes?  Nope, Nadda, No Go.  More room in my carry-on I guess.

I went to Target and tried on at least 13 hats.  Yes, yes...I was looking for boots so quit your finger pointing.  None of the hats looked even kinda ok on my head and I consider myself to be a hat person.  Pretty much all of them made me look like I had an gigantic head.   Even the one in the picture here.  It's called a conductor's hat.  It's cute, right?  Looked great hanging on the hook on the rack.  Not so much on my small head.  I guess conductors have big brains.  Or something. 

Darren believes he had the swine flu.  I'm still skeptical but nonetheless him being so ill made me obsessive about washing my hands, squirting the hand sanitizer, keeping my fingers out of my eyes and noes and mouth.  But I seriously have discovered that I have a disorder.  Being so obsessive about staying healthy has given me clarity.  Now I know I'm a crazy person.  Well, that's not true....I've always known that but that's beside the point.  What I've discovered is that I can not keep my hands and my fingers off of my face, out of my hair, out of my ears, my mouth and yes, I know it's gross but out of my nose.  Even typing this I just realized I had my one hand to my mouth as I paused for a second to watch TV and then just scratched my forehead.   I googled it but all I found were chronic itching and skin picking (psychogenic excoriation) where the person does it till they bleed for a sense of relief.  But maybe it's related somehow to my anxiety because I noticed I seem to do it more so when I'm in public.  Great, another thing for me to worry about while around other people.  Like I need anymore reason to shy away from going out.

My title tonight is Tuesday Tidbits but according to, tidbit should be spelled titbit.  Seriously?  Because that just looks wrong to me.  And see, blogger is telling me that titbit needs to be spellchecked, so who's right?   How strange.  Stranger then me picking and scratching my face and eyes, and ears and nose....probably not but still.

and here is my last titbit.

I got an email from Bobbi yesterday.  She is who, or is that whom, I am going to visit in Richmond, VA.  I grew up with Bobbi.  I've known her for 25 years.  We are both very excited about my visit and she wrote a mock up plan for us for when I'm there.  For Friday she wrote: "I would like to go visit the Capitol in downtown Richmond and then do a fancy ladies lunch in the city." 

So, I started worrying a little bit because I'm not really a fancy kind of girl.  I even asked Darren "What should I wear to a fancy lunch?"  His thought was something lacy and doily-like which had me scared rather then worried. 

I went to bed not to concerned since I do have one really nice black dress that I figured I could wear if it came down to it. 

This morning I figured I'd find out what Bobbi meant exactly rather then worry and obsess because yes, we all know that's what I do best.  I texted her.

Me: "Good Morning.  What does one wear to a fancy womans lunch with her BFF?"

Bobbi:  "Whatever you are comfortable in.  I will probably wear jeans a long sleeve shirt and cute scarf to match."

Yep.  That's why I love Bobbi.  She is my kind of fancy!  See you soon girl!  I can not wait.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Not me Monday 11/16/09

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not curse and yell at my GPS, whom I call Jane, and stuff her into my glove compartment after she took me down a one way street on Monday.

I did not completely freak myself out after going to an appointment in an old and eerie warehouse building.  I did not want to run down the halls rather then walk because I was convinced someone was following me.  I did not shriek when I finally exited the building only to be staring directly into a cemetery on the other side of the street.   I did not breathe a sigh or relief the minute I was safe inside my van.

I did not almost forget to renew my license.  I am not the least bit nervous about flying without a valid photo ID but rather with a piece of paper that says it's good for 30 days only and an expired licensed.

I did not have some beer on Friday night, Saturday night and again on Sunday.  I did not enjoy every single one.

I did not feed my fat cat more food even after he tipped over his basket full of treats, ate every last one and then proceeded to meow at me because I only gave him half a scoop of food.  I did not feed him more just so he would stop the annoying meowing.

I did not complain at all this week.  Haha, nope I sure didn't.

I hope you had a blast NOT doing things this past week.  I'd love to hear about it!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm gonna tell you what I wished for

My family came over this afternoon to celebrate my birthday with me.  It got very loud and I got very warm. 

We all "threw down" and ordered a few pizzas.  I enjoyed the pizza because it was a spontaneous decision decided upon at the last minute.  It's nice for me personally when something that wasn't planned goes so well.  It's an encouraging thing in the eyes of a rigid planner.

When the pizza arrived we were all pretty hungry and we dived right in.  Every seat was filled at my dining room table, the couch in the parlor too, as was the parlor floor.  Filled with the behinds of my family.

The occupants of the dining room chairs were myself, my sister Kristen, my father, Aidan, my mother and my sister Kim.  Aside from Aidan....those occupants were the ones I shared my childhood dinners with.  It was nice to take notice of that and we chatted about our old assigned, but only because we always just sat there, seats.
When it was time for cake Darren lit the candles and dimmed the lights.  My family began to sing Happy Birthday to ME.  I relished in watching Jacek with glee in his eyes and love in his heart join in the singing.  I delighted in watching Aidan clap his hands and smile from ear to ear with excitement. 

I am in love with my family - both old and new. 

I closed my eyes, clenched my fists tight and wished........

for more time with my family - like I was able to spend tonight

for my safe travels to and from Richmond, VA mid-week

and for my sister Kim to come back and spend more time with me because I miss her

then I blew out the candles and everyone clapped.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday.  Today is the day I came into this world as Kerri Lynn Wheeler.  32 years ago today my parents welcomed their 3rd daughter into their arms and my sisters had little 'ol me to smother and tease and resent, oh and love. 32 years ago I made my parents and sisters a family of 5.   

Today I have a family of my own. I am a wife and a Mommy.

and as I'm walking this path of self discovery - I'm learning that I'm many other things as well.

but today I want to focus on the things that come to mind as I sit here and think about my birthday.

When I think about my birthday I think about

my parents when they were young. I think about the excitement and the fear they must have felt being a young married couple beginning their life together. I think about them wanting a family and imagining what their future children would look like, act like, become.
To finally understand and relate to many of the things that seem mysterious to us as children...that my parents were just Butch and Diana before they were Dad and Mom is an enlightning moment.
I think about them now as the loving parents they have always been to me. Ever thankful and blessed by the universe for their presence still, their constant support, shared laughs, hugs, kisses, and strength.

I think about the house I grew up in. The room I kept. The memories that still live there. I think about the yard and my father on his tractor. I think about the mazes I made with my sister Kristen in the pasture.

I think about the years that have passed, my sisters and I changing and growing.

My sisters. My blood.
As different as we may seem we are of the same things.

I think about how my Mom always made 2 cakes for us on our birthdays. A regular birthday cake and the other what I called a sponge cake or Angel Food Cake, sprinkled with powdered sugar. I can still hear the beaters scraping the bottom of the mixing bowl as my Mom prepared the cakes while I was tucked in my bed. I remember smelling the sweetness drift up as they baked and feeling the butterflies in my stomach as I drifted off to sleep the night before my birthday. In my bedroom, with bluebird wallpaper. Safe.

I think of the birthday parties and the girlfriends I got to invite over. I think of all the pictures my Mom took over the years of me holding the cake up so she could take the picture and the frosting getting on my fingers. The pictures of us about to blow the candles out and then afterward licking the frosting off the bottom of the candles before placing them in the sink.


The parties changing from roller skating fun to even sillier ones at Chuck E Cheeses when I was 15 and continuing through senior year.
I think of my childhood friends. Most of which I know and talk with still. I made my friendships matter. Even if we don't talk much now nothing changes the impact they've had on my life and who I've become.
And my new friends that share with me the simple pleasures of every day life, every day struggles, accomplishing goals and surviving, I think of them.

I think about my furbaby Button, my faithful, unwaivering companion for 13 years. 

She was by my side longer then any other significant other. Darren will tie that record in 3 years but until then Button wins by a long shot. She was my baby girl, my boogie. Kisses between the eyes baby girl. Always.

I think about my Grandfather even more then I do on his birthday. I can feel the heat of his lit cigerette that he held with his lips as I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. I smell his rich spicey cologne. I hear his gruffy voice. I feel his flick on my elbow. His grumbled "mmm..this is good" as he delighted in the two cakes my Mom would make. The icecream droplets on his mustache. His opened pepsi can. His fuzzy hats. His stout body and his thick glasses. His belted printed pants.

I think about the seven wonders of my life.

My Parents

My Sisters

My Friends

My Grandfather

My Button

My Husband

My Sons

You amaze me. Every day. Every Second. I love you.

Happy HAPPY Birthday to me.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Frustrations Friday 11/13/09

The point of my Frustrations Friday posts is to see what I've been able to stop complaining about!!  And to see what I've added that needs to be worked on.  I think I've done a G-R-E-A-T job this week.  Let's see...

Last Friday my frustrations were:

1. My computers post it note dilemma 
2. Project organization
3. Personal relationship A
4. Personal relationship B
5. Kitchen cabinet that won't close
6. Child Health Plus Insurance for Aidan
7. Waiting for approval or denial from mortgage company on Loan Modification
8. Finding Kerri Quiet time - getting up at 6am?
9. Dining room ceiling

This was a busy week.  Darren has been home sick since Monday so our routine was completely different then normal.  That's ok though because I'm learning and working on being more flexable.  I got flustered and anxious a few times but I think overall I did a good job "going with the flow".

Kudos to Chris H. for the suggestion to use a childproof saftey lock for the cabinet that wouldn't close.  It still doesn't close all the way but it works well enough that it's not a nuisance and it keeps Aidan out of it and the bowls and lids inside and not thrown all over the house every day all week...hooray for that!

The laptop post it dilemma is just ridiculous.  There is nothing I can do about it for the time being.  I complain about my laptop probably on a daily basis without realizing it.  It's a big source of weekly frustration.  However, I am fortunate that it is a working laptop and it allows me to do what I need to do on here.  It's not perfect but it's not so terrible that I should constantly vent about it and get upset.  It is what it is...until I can afford a new laptop it's not the worst case scenario.

Project organization has gone beautifully.  I got a few projects not only started but completed.  Yea for me!  The side entrance hallway is currently a work-in-progress.  Once that's done I have the next project lined up.  Being organized and having a plan is one thing that keeps me sane.

Insurance for Aidan was a simple frustration to eliminate this week.  It took me all but a half an hour and my parents watching the boys to drive to the appointment and fill out paperwork.  It was the timing issue that became a frustration more so then the actual task.

The dining room ceiling looks exactly the same BUT my Dad gave me a great suggestion and it's being planned into the mix of projects to complete.  I have 2 brand new boxes of tiles waiting to be put up.  Not so much a frustration anymore as it is an eye sore.

Personal relationship A, again, it is what it is.  I have simply (easier said then done) reassigned my energy.  I googled, researched and observed.  Then I implemented.  So far so good.  In order to maintain this outlook I have plans to write about this relationship soon.  Writing out my motives helps me commit myself to them.

Here are my current FRUSTRATIONS FRIDAY, in no particular order.

- Migraines.  Short of going on medication I have tried everything I can think of.  My doctor suggested I go back on birth control pills.  I haven't been on them in over 6 years.  The memories I have of being on pills are not ones I retell at parties.  Angry Crazy Kerri - yeah, not a happy girl. 

- I really don't want to get up at 6am to get my Kerri Quiet....really, really don't want to.  Thinking I might have to bite the bullet on this one.

- Personal relationship B - still needing more T.L.C.  and working on it.

- The approval/denial from our Mortgage Company.  After just looking online at our account it appears as though I will have to call them.  They promised a response in 45 days.  It has almost been 45 days.  This said response was supposed to arrive in my mailbox.  Nothing yet.  Still waiting.

- Our vehicle situation.  This needs to be explained in greater detail, definitely warranting its own blog.  Definitely starting to make me worry on a daily basis.  This needs to be resolved before the snow starts to fall.

Remember those bracelets I told you about last week....the ones my sister jokingly wrote about taking out of my mailbox...funny's an article about them and the original "No complaining for 21 days" campaign that I wanted to be a part of.  Purple Bracelet Commitment

Could you stop complaining for 21 days? 

Share your frustrations with me today and remember:

If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.  ~Anthony J. D'Angelo

Thursday, November 12, 2009

43 words.

MY 43 words.  43 words that describe me.  

1.   intense
2.      Intuitive
3.      mother
4.      Mysterious
5.      Goofy
6.      Generous
7.      spiritual
8.      self-deprecating
9.      Animal-lover
10.  introspective
11.  dreamer
12.  investigative
13.  creative
14.  seeking
15.  stubborn
16.  honest
17.  curious
18.  determined
19.  homebody
20.  resilient
21.  sarcastic
22.  worrisome
23.  emotional
24.  introverted
25.  passionate
26.  loyal
27.  tattooed
28.  organized
29.  leery
30.  selective
31.  impatient
32.  short
33.  dimpled
34.  reserved
35.  anxious
36.  serious
37.  coffee
38.  argumentative
39.  craving
40.  comfy
41.  green
42.  karaoke
43.  autumn

Care to share:

Some words that you would describe me with?

Some words that describe you? 

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wordless Wednesday 11/10/09

It didn't take us long to discover Aidan didn't like being laid on the ground and covered with leaves.

and because I couldn't decide which photo I liked better...a brief montage of my ride home this morning.  The sky was just brilliant!