Saturday November 7th

My weekend mornings are normally spent at work. I’ve been working outside of the home on the weekends for over 3 years now. If anybody else comes in while I’m here they normally say something about how awful it is that I have to work on the weekends. Yes, even after 3 years the same people say the same things.

I haven’t minded coming into work on the weekends until the last few weekends. I don’t know why my outlook has changed. I still want to work because it gives me the break away from Mommy mode that I crave. Lately it’s been really quiet here. I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining. I know I have it “good” because the work is simple and the people are really nice but it’s not holding the same “getaway” ambiance that it used to.

I don’t know if I should still be working here. I hear Darren, more often then I used to, saying he wishes I stayed home on the weekends so we could be together and have more family time. I know I will miss Kerri time though and I don’t want that loss to create resentment towards the people I love. Getting out of the house on the weekend, albeit for just a few hours allows me time to regroup from the monotony of the week. Not to slight by boys, because I adore the time we have during the week but it is rewarding to be the one who walks in the door coming home from work.

I have a headache today and I am tired. I thought I got good sleep last night even with waking up on and off again from 4am on. Aidan kept crying out in his sleep and I heard Jacek get up to use the bathroom. Jacek, like his father, is a zombie when he wakes up in the middle of the night. When he first began potty training he would climb on the stool in front of the sink and start pulling down his pants to pee. We had to basically teach him how to pee half asleep, well Darren did, not me. And now we move the stool away from the front of the sink as to not confuse the boy any further in his drunken sleepy state.

My birthday is next Saturday and as I was coming out of the bathroom this morning I eavesdropped on a conversation Jacek was having with Darren. Jacek loves birthdays and he has remembered the order of birthdays in our family, extend family included. Jacek was excitedly telling Darren that they should get me a garbage truck. Darren bought him a blue matchbox one last weekend and Jacek thinks I would like a green one. When he realized I was listening he got all embarrassed. Then he said “It’s ok that you know because I’ll surprise you later…. I love surprises!”

My Dad came over for a little visit yesterday. He sat on my floor (he loves sitting on the floor) and played with his grandsons while we drank coffee and chatted. While he was over I was overwhelmed with sadness for my friend Candace who’s Dad passed away earlier that morning at 11:30.
I told my Dad how I was feeling and he shared that he too felt sad because he doesn’t quite understand why he is still alive. While his friends and others pass on, he continues to beat the odds, living with a heart that doesn’t always remember to beat. I am thankful for whatever reason there is that he’s still alive.
I have learned a lot from death in the last couple of years. I have learned death is not fair, sometimes taking the strongest of fighters and leaving the weak to survive. I have learned that death is a teacher with its only redeeming factor being that us as its despondent students get to choose the lessons we learn from it.

I still have a headache that’s now worse then before.

But

It’s sunny outside today. That’s nice for a change.