My niece Ashley turns 13 today. In honor of her I reflected back on my life and I had a conversation with myself, when I was 13.
This 98th post is dedicated to Ashley May Sine. I love you.
For you I wish
A journey of good with bad mixed in so that the good tastes that much sweeter....
Hey. It's me, I mean you...I'm you in 2010. We'll be 33 in November.
Yes, I know...it is smuckin crazy.
Yes, smuckin unbelievable too.
See how you're doing with being 13.
Yes, I really turn 33 this year. Thank you....I think. I'm glad I don't look like you thought I'd look at 33.
So, what's going on now...1990 right? You're upset with Mom. She never lets you do anything. You run your mouth and say mean things.
BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Listen to me, it may not seem like it right now but Mom is going to be one of your best friends. Stop laughing at me. Get off the floor. I'm serious. It's like all of sudden one day you get it. You know she's not trying to ruin your life on purpose. I know it seems like that now. You're 13. Believe me, Mom is on our side. Always has been. Always will. Cut her some slack.
Do you marry Shawn? Are you serious with this shit? Shawn is a loser. Get over it already. He will get you to do some things you know you shouldn't do. It's because he's a boy. A 14 year old boy. He's a loser. He will ask you to the prom and then call you two days before the prom and say he is going with someone else. You will hang up the phone in Mom and Dads room and you will start to cry. Dad will hug you outside your bedroom door. You will hurt and feel like a such a ugly stupid person but you are everything but those things. At 33 we don't even remember ever kissing Shawn. We did but really it's just not memorable or worth the tears we'll cry.
Do you make it through high school? I'll be honest with you, our high school days are not easy. Our emotions run wild. We have zits. We are fat. The boys we like do not like us back. Nothing will seem fair.
It's not until we are older that we realize life seldom ever is.
Yes, we make it through high school. Academically, we struggle. Socially we wish for more but ultimately, yes we survive high school. We take away some valuable lessons. Our education level does not determine how smart we are. Our circle of friends will always be small. Our roots being planted in a small town do not hinder us from doing great things.
Making friends never gets easier but keeping the ones you do have does.
You will miss the house you grew up in. In weird ways and at times you least expect it.
Do you have sex? HAHA. Yes, of course. Looking back I think perhaps we have sex a bit too early but we loved the other person. No one can fault us for that. The first time was amazing. You will reflect back on it many times through out life. We got lucky. Really, really lucky. No pun intended.
Do you marry your first love, the one we had sex with? No. We sure don't. We do much better.
We marry our greatest love.
Who dies? Well, that's a loaded question. We lose Grandpa in 1997. Yes, it really hurts. No, it never gets easier. Losing a loved one simply sucks. Nothing you learn prepares you for it, for the emotional loss and detachment. For the emptiness in the corner of your heart. That empty chair at Mom and Dad's table.
We are however, very lucky as we have lost very few of our loved ones. That time is yet to come.
Lets see, what else. We hurt someone we never mean to. An unfortunate part in us learning who we really are. It almost seems necessary now. It still hurts to think about. We will pull from the experience many times. We will always feel like "sorry" doesn't even begin to cover it.
The years of 1996 - 2000 are four years you will spend hurting. I'm not telling you this to scare you. I'm telling you this to show you how strong you are. You are resilient. Your un-returned adoration for your crushes, drama filled fights with friends and parent troubles are nothing compared to these coming years. You will learn what it feels like to be alone even while you are with someone. You will feel ignored. You will be beat down. You will lose friends because someone tells you to. You will lose precious time with your family. You will lose yourself. You will struggle to pull your head above the water.
But boy, when we finally take that breath, it's the sweetest breath we've ever taken. That life quickly disappears. We emerge strong and determined. And not to get all old fashioned on you but, we take the bull by the horns baby. We own that bull. That's right!
We own that Mother Smuckin Bull.
Yes. You are still a dork. At 33. Not all wishes come true. So Sorry.
Oh yeah, one more thing...that feeling that you have, about never being a mother. Can I just tell you how completely and utterly misplaced and so very thankfully UNTRUE it is.
That's right. You marry your greatest love and have two wonderful little boys.
Ain't that the shit?
Are we happy?
What do you think?
Do I look happy?
That's why I'm here. Don't you get it? We make it. We make it through those years, all of them, even the ones when we thought we'd break in half.
We make it.
that's pretty smucking fantastic isn't it?
No, nothing really gets easier. Things just change really and yes, sometimes life still really does just suck.
but sometimes.....like when you hold your own newborn child for the first time, or when you are embraced in the arms of your greatest love...
sometimes all that other shit...just doesn't matter....at....all.
So, hang in there ok? Because the things that come in between all this shit is way to good to pass up. Trust me, ok?
Yes. Sometimes it might not always seem like I do but yes, I love you.