A 4 year old Mom

I have been Jacek's Mommy for 4 years!

I am still trying to grasp that he is MINE.  How dare I ever say I am not a lucky person.  For surely I am one of the luckiest.

I put together a bunch of questions and have been bugging Jacek all week with them.

I was only able to ask 2 or 3 at at time until I was (most of the time) politely asked to STOP!

I would love to do this every year for both Jacek and Aidan during the week leading up to their birthdays.  The goal is to have a record of the same questions being asked through the years with a multitude of different answers that are sure to be received.

Interview with Jacek Robert

The week of March 7th - 12th, 2010

 Jacek's answers are in green

Hi there.

What is your name? The hulk

If you could change your name, what name would you pick? 
I want my name to be Jacek.  Are you going to change my name?  Why?  ( I had to reassure him that we wouldn't change his name.)

How old are you?  I'm 4 right now...cuz I had my birthday already 
(I asked him this on Wed March 10..but he had celebrated his birthday at school on Tuesday)


What is your favorite:

cereal - fruit circles
vegetable - carrots (news to me)
drink - apple juice
toy - all these points to his outfit...wearing a fireman's hat, super why goggles, pajamas and holding an Elmo phone
TV Show - Rescue Heroes
game - Hungry Hippos
book -The Wild Things (Where the Wild Things Are)
restaurant - McDonald's and Wendy's (I didn't know he knew about Wendy's)
holiday -Easter
What do you like about Easter?  
The eggs that the Easter Bunny brings us.
animal - bear

What do you like most about yourself?   
what I'm doing right now. points to his face. smile.

What is your favorite thing to do? Play.
Play what?  Toys. Play cars.  Play trains. Ya know.

What is something you DON'T like to do?  
I don't like to play with anyone but myself.

What do you dream about? um, a lot of things.
Like what?  Spiderman and Batman


What do you want to be when you are a grown up? A policeman and fireman and a ambulance driver and a, I don't know what else I can be...that's all I can say.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Ahhh, not by myself...with you and Daddy and Aidan and my cousins and all other people....
Where though?  Where?...into the woods with all the animals...but we might have to run really, really fast from the bad, bad wolf and the bear, the lion and the tiger....
He runs around the dining room...parlor and back into the living room.

My heart is beeping Mommy....hear it?
Beeping or Beating? BEEPING!

What do you like most about Mommy? kisses
How old is your Mommy? 4
What is something Mom always says to you? You always say No
How do you know your mom loves you? Because I love you
What makes mom happy? Me hugging you
What makes mom sad? Me hitting
How does your mom make you laugh?  
by tickling..tickles his chin.  This is my ticklely spot. 
What is your moms favorite thing to do? Play play play
What is your mom really good at? playing hockey (news to me!)
What is your mom not very good at?
volleyball..you like miss the shots 
What does your mom do for her job? work on your computer
What makes you proud of your mom? when I hug you
What do you and your mom do together? play together 
Where is your mom's favorite place to go? to work 
What does Mommy do while you're at school?  
Puts Aidan to nap and then you come down for snack and lunch.

What do you like most about Daddy? hugs
How old is your Daddy? 8 
What is your Dad's favorite food? lettuce
How are you and your Dad the same? by our faces
How are you and your Dad different? rubs Daddys chin Spikeys
What is Daddys favorite sport?  Basketball
How strong is Daddy? really really strong
How do you know when Daddy is proud of you? a hug for me


What do you like most about Aidan?  kisses
What do you like to do with Aidan? play and share


When you get really silly you  goof around
What do you like to eat for lunch? um, special lunches (lunchables)
What do you wish we did more of? going outside
What do you think is above the stars in the sky?
hmm, i dunno..clouds...they're up there..do you mean what's on top of the ceiling in the sky?...clouds
Name two things you want us to do as a family on the weekend
go out all together to play
play museum (National Museum of Play at Strong Rochester, NY)

What is one new thing you'd like to try this year? 
make food

What are you wishing for this year?
Hang on Mommy I have to go pee-pee
Daddy tells him to think about his wish while going pee-pee.
He goes and then comes back and without being prompted says: 
 I wish I was a real, real, real rescue hero!

Happy Birthday J.J. 
Mommy thinks you're pretty awesome. 

Check out my Friday Fragment post here.

I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by.....

My niece Ashley turns 13 today.  In honor of her I reflected back on my life and I had a conversation with myself, when I was 13.  

This 98th post is dedicated to Ashley May Sine.  I love you.  

For you I wish

A journey of good with bad mixed in so that the good tastes that much sweeter....

Happy Birthday. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey.  It's me, I mean you...I'm you in 2010.  We'll be 33 in November.

Yes, I know...it is smuckin crazy.

  Yes, smuckin unbelievable too.

I thought I'd stop by for a little bit.

See how you're doing with being 13.






 
 Yes, I really turn 33 this year.  Thank you....I think. I'm glad I don't look like you thought I'd look at 33.

So, what's going on now...1990 right?  You're upset with Mom.  She never lets you do anything.  You run your mouth and say mean things.

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Listen to me, it may not seem like it right now but Mom is going to be one of your best friends.  Stop laughing at me.  Get off the floor.  I'm serious.  It's like all of sudden one day you get it.  You know she's not trying to ruin your life on purpose.  I know it seems like that now.  You're 13.  Believe me, Mom is on our side.  Always has been.  Always will.  Cut her some slack.

Do you marry Shawn?  Are you serious with this shit?  Shawn is a loser.  Get over it already.  He will get you to do some things you know you shouldn't do.  It's because he's a boy.  A 14 year old boy.  He's a loser.  He will ask you to the prom and then call you two days before the prom and say he is going with someone else.  You will hang up the phone in Mom and Dads room and you will start to cry.  Dad will hug you outside your bedroom door.  You will hurt and feel like a such a ugly stupid person but you are everything but those things.  At 33 we don't even remember ever kissing Shawn.  We did but really it's just not memorable or worth the tears we'll cry.

Do you make it through high school?  I'll be honest with you, our high school days are not easy.  Our emotions run wild.  We have zits.  We are fat.  The boys we like do not like us back.  Nothing will seem fair.

It's not until we are older that we realize life seldom ever is.   

Yes, we make it through high school.  Academically, we struggle.  Socially we wish for more but ultimately, yes we survive high school.  We take away some valuable lessons.  Our education level does not determine how smart we are.  Our circle of friends will always be small.  Our roots being planted in a small town do not hinder us from doing great things.

Making friends never gets easier but keeping the ones you do have does.   

You will miss the house you grew up in.  In weird ways and at times you least expect it.

Do you have sex?  HAHA.  Yes, of course.  Looking back I think perhaps we have sex a bit too early but we loved the other person.  No one can fault us for that.  The first time was amazing.  You will reflect back on it many times through out life.  We got lucky.  Really, really lucky.  No pun intended.

Do you marry your first love, the one we had sex with?  No.  We sure don't.  We do much better.

We marry our greatest love.

Who dies?  Well, that's a loaded question.  We lose Grandpa in 1997.  Yes, it really hurts.  No, it never gets easier.  Losing a loved one simply sucks.  Nothing you learn prepares you for it, for the emotional loss and detachment.  For the emptiness in the corner of your heart.  That empty chair at Mom and Dad's table.
We are however, very lucky as we have lost very few of our loved ones.  That time is yet to come.

Lets see, what else.  We hurt someone we never mean to.  An unfortunate part in us learning who we really are.  It almost seems necessary now. It still hurts to think about.  We will pull from the experience many times. We will always feel like "sorry" doesn't even begin to cover it.

The years of 1996 - 2000 are four years you will spend hurting.  I'm not telling you this to scare you.  I'm telling you this to show you how strong you are.  You are resilient.  Your un-returned adoration for your crushes, drama filled fights with friends and parent troubles are nothing compared to these coming years. You will learn what it feels like to be alone even while you are with someone.  You will feel ignored.  You will be beat down.  You will lose friends because someone tells you to. You will lose precious time with your family.  You will lose yourself.  You will struggle to pull your head above the water.   

But boy, when we finally take that breath, it's the sweetest breath we've ever taken.  That life quickly disappears.  We emerge strong and determined.  And not to get all old fashioned on you but, we take the bull by the horns baby.  We own that bull.  That's right!

We own that Mother Smuckin Bull. 

Yes.  You are still a dork.  At 33.  Not all wishes come true.  So Sorry. 

Oh yeah, one more thing...that feeling that you have, about never being a mother.  Can I just tell you how completely and utterly misplaced and so very thankfully UNTRUE it is. 

That's right.  You marry your greatest love and have two wonderful little boys.

Ain't that the shit?

Are we happy?

What do you think?

Do I look happy?

That's why I'm here.  Don't you get it?  We make it.  We make it through those years, all of them, even the ones when we thought we'd break in half.

We make it.

that's pretty smucking fantastic isn't it?

No, nothing really gets easier.  Things just change really and yes, sometimes life still really does just suck.

but sometimes.....like when you hold your own newborn child for the first time, or when you are embraced in the arms of your greatest love...

sometimes all that other shit...just doesn't matter....at....all.

So, hang in there ok?  Because the things that come in between all this shit is way to good to pass up.  Trust me, ok?

Yes.  Sometimes it might not always seem like I do but yes, I love you.  

Trust me.

A Man You Should Know

May 1987

Dad was 42

Today is his birthday.  He is 65.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Below is something I wrote on Saturday June 16, 2007 and originally posted it to my then blog on Myspace.com

I wanted to make sure it made it into my first 100 posts on blogger.  Because it just should.

I could hear the tractor's engine so I peered out the window.  I had just come inside the house after playing outside for several hours.  I was hot and sweaty and covered in small blades of grass from running after and riding on my father's tractor.

I stood now, in the upstairs bathroom of our house.  Although my legs were itching from the sweat and the grass I was in no hurry to clean myself up.  I was fascinated.

My father, clad in his blue work jeans, white t-shirt and baseball cap was wearing his pride on his sleeve as he rode his red tractor around the yard.  Although at the distance I could barely make out the features on his face I was almost certain that a smile would be seen if I were a little closer.  He was in his glory.

The small bathroom I was in was hot and although there was a breeze coming through the small window where I stood, the room was still.

I could have sworn I heard my father humming.  Through the whir of the tractor's engine and the blowing breeze, it was there.  I swear.

Watching him, I was certain, that my father was indeed the one that had hung the moon.

In a single moment I saw my father for more then who he was to me.  I think as a child it's hard to understand that your parents are actually people, as ordinary as the strangers we pass on the street.  He wasn't only my father though.  He was a man who held important things close to his heart, who valued much more then I could ever imagine, and who had loved, lost and lived a life before I had even been born.

I grew curious about him and thought about things I would never know about him.  He had fought in the Vietnam War, which in my eyes made him a hero in just the simple yet complicated fact that he had served for our country.  I never once thought about how this dedication and servitude had changed him.  He was always, just my father.

I wondered about the day he met my mother, about the day when he first realized he loved her.  It made me think about my life and my undiscovered path.  It made me hopeful, thoughtful and I wondered whom I would meet and fall in love with.  I had no doubt that I wanted this person to be like my father.

I don't know how long I stood at that window and watched him.  I do know that that memory, that vision of my father has stuck with me for at least 20 years now.  In those 20 years, my father, that man on the tractor that day, has made me so proud to be his daughter.

His unnatural ease with strangers makes me envious.  His inability to say he's too busy to help someone is disturbing.  His hand gestures when he talks make me smile, especially now, as I see that I have inherited this curious trait.

And, as in life, there are always things we get handed that we may not be happy about.  As I have grown, and have become someone's wife, a mother and have had the daughter title drop down a few notches on my list of "who I am".  I realize that good or bad, I am my father's daughter.

While I may not hold the same things as close to my heart as he does, or act at ease when introduced to a stranger I have his strength and I have his love of nature and animals.  I have his nastiness, as my mother calls it, when it comes to my boiling anger but I also have his tenderness and allow others the benefit of the doubt, sometimes, too many times over.

That day as I watched my father on his tractor I saw him living his life.  I took the fact that he was my father out of the equation.  I was left with a man only few compare to and no one exceeds.

Funny, how some things, never change.

 Happy Birthday to a man anyone would be lucky to meet

even just

once.

 

Not so wordless this time
but I just had to share the story too

Rindie used to have 16# pound balls....

Jacek had so much fun tonight.  I've learned I am learning that his initial anxiousness and shyness when first walking into a room filled with people, family or not, tends to fade faster when I don't try to make him "get over it".  He's a lot like me that way.  I have to find my sense of comfortable, assess the people around me, find my stance and slowly but surely the walls come down and I'll relax.  If you push me it'll only back fire on you.  Yes, that's right: "it'll back fire on  you".  What that means...is screaming, crying, whining, crocodile tears back fire on YOU. 

BUT

He relaxed.

he bowled

he danced.

Oh yeah, he danced.  Have I mentioned we ROCK the house?

and then he bowled some more.

I also had fun tonight.  It was nice to get away with just Darren and Jacek.  Not to discredit our time with Aidan but time alone with Jacek is really nice.  He holds such a warm conversation and asks questions that make me think, ponder and proud.

I loved on Jacek

and I bowled

and I sang and I danced with Jacek.

Have I mentioned that we ROCK the house?

Okay, okay...geesh!

Are you thinking the same word I am?

Proud.

I missed my little goober butt while we were out tonight.

but throughoughly enjoyed my date with

my husband and my munchkin man.

This post totally makes it seem like it was just the 3 of us HOWEVER we were at a birthday party!!  Here's a few pics of the fun.

Birthday boy Garrett, 3 - giving his Daddy a high 5?  low 5?.....some kind of 5...Garrett might like a five dollar 5.

Birthday girl Myleigh, 6, blowing out the candles on her awesome princess and the frog cake.

The kiddos having a blast.

It was a great birthday party.

Happy Birthday to Myleigh and Garrett.

We love you!

I am still processing the other events of the evening and will write about them at a later time. Today is about Myleigh and Garrett and the rest of the children.  Nothing more and nothing less.

Comfortable

Today is Grandma's 84th birthday.  Kristen, myself and the boys went to visit her at the nursing home.  I hate having to say that.  Nursing home.  All at once I'm flooded with memories of smells and images of the elderly that sometimes line the halls at that place.

She looked good.  Grandma.  For 84, she looks really good.  The doctors say she has dementia but I often question this diagnosis.  Mom and Dad seem to think she's getting worse.  I have yet to see that side of her.  Whenever I visit, she's pleasant or at least similar to how I've always known her.  Seeing her doesn't make me reminiscent of the day when she was more herself.  She seems to me to be the same Grandma I've always known.  She was funny, a little rude, and a little crass.  

What I did notice was how differently she was dressed.  Grandma always dressed up.  She always had a colorful blouse on with a brooch.  Sometimes a scarf, always a hat.  Sun bonnets were her specialty, she always had one on. In the off chance she would take it off, I always seemed to sit on it by accident.  Boy, did that make her mad.
She always appeared stiff to me and sometimes I actually could hear the rustle of her clothes.  They never felt soft or comfortable.  As a child I always wondered if when she got home she put on comfy pajamas.  I never saw her in pajamas really.  I knew Grandma as the well dressed one in the family.  Certainly, no one else dressed the way she did.  Always in her Sunday's best.

When we arrived at her room today she was in bed, wearing a gown and white socks.  Not much else.  Her hair was messy and she wasn't wearing her glasses.  Later after the nurses came they dressed her in a really cute blue sweatsuit.  For once I thought, she looked comfortable.

but I wondered at the same time how uncomfortable she must feel.

Jacek and Aidan didn't get close to her.  She was saddened by this.  As much as I wanted to push the issue and make Jacek go and hug her, I didn't.  He watched her every move though.  I hope he remembers her.  I kept saying how silly she was.  Great-Grandma is so silly, isn't she?

I'm not good with removing images from my mind.  Once they're there, they stay.  I hid in my parents room when I was 12 after calling 9-1-1 for my father because I didn't want to see him die.  I didn't go into the hospital room after my Grandfather passed, I stayed outside and cried while everyone else went in and said good-bye.  Images stick.  I want my last images of my loved ones to be ones I'm used to, ones I'm comfortable with.

I don't like seeing my Grandma not able to be herself, time erasing bits and pieces of who she is.

I know little of my Grandmothers life.  I listen to stories told by my mother and father. There's been more bad then good.  I've known her for 32 years and have formed my own opinions.  She has always been a good Grandmother to me.  I have always felt her love.

I never want to be in a nursing home where my loved ones have to come and visit making me feel worthless and unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  I never want to be so close to letting go and not be allowed to because for some reason my body is staying healthy while my mind deteriorates.  I don't want to see my Great-Grandchildren look at me with fear in their eyes.

I want my family to be comforable knowing I lived my life and I lived it my way, happily and with as much honesty as I could muster.

I love my Grandma but I hate seeing her in a nursing home. I hate that she doesn't get to wear her Sunday's best anymore.  I hate that once she's gone I will not have any Grandparents.

I hate that life is sometimes nothing like we hope it to be no matter how much we hope.

I hope my Grandfather is waiting for my Grandmother.  I hope he has one of her Sunday's Best, pressed and waiting for her.

I hope when the light shines on her, she is dressed in her Sunday's Best, wearing her butterfly brooch and her sun bonnet with the hat pins on her head.....dressed in her idea of comfortable.

because it is when we our comfortable that we are truly ourselves.

Happy Birthday Grandma.  I love you.

Zackarys New Chapter

My nephew Zackary turned 14 today.

I watched my sister and my brother in law exchange glances while their 14 year old son opened birthday gifts from his family. I wondered if they felt as odd about the fact that they have a 14 year old son as I did about the fact that I have a 14 year old nephew.

When I was 14 my sister and I had already shared all our young reckless sister moments. Most of the more memorable ones shared way before my 14th birthday. When I turned 14 she was graduating from high school and was already in a serious relationship with Terry, her now husband.

Zackary has had his childhood. He's starting a new chapter in his life. This fills me with pride and sadness.

He won't see his childhood for what it was until much later on in his life. He won't look back on the memories of him and his sister Ashley and reflect until his life has quieted. Until his path is being traveled rather then being charted.

When I was 14 I started going on group dates and experienced my first real kiss. I also felt rejection for the first time. I felt ugly most of the time. And while I hadn't yet entered the realm of sex I wasn't considerably far from it either.

Angst. Deep-seeded spiritual condition of insecurity and fear.

Adolescence. is a transitional stage. an in-between stage.

I remember a lot of good times being a teenager but I remember crying a lot more.

The part of me that is his Aunt watches with reservation. I observe. I cheer him on and support him unconditionally just more from a distance now then before.

I know our hugs will become less frequent as will his childish ways. His voice is already more of a mans then a child's. I know it won't be long before he asks Uncle Darren and I if it's alright to invite his girlfriend over to a party or a gathering we're having at our house. I know it won't be long before I hear the honk of his horn as he heads out to meet his friends on a Friday night.

I know it won't be long before it is one of my sons doing the same things. I know it all happens so fast and it will be here before I know it.

What a journey Zackary begins as he turns the page. All those firsts. All those new plots and characters that will reveal themselves. All that adventure.

At times I know I will watch in envy for it is all new to him. Easier for me to say then him I'm sure. My experiences and lessons have been learned. He has no idea what's in store or what to expect.

I miss the first time butterflies feeling. I haven't had them in some time.

Jacek won't turn 14 for more then 10 years. Aidan will be 12, on the cusp.

My sister is 36. I will be 42 when I have a 14 year old teenage boy in my house.

I can't even begin to imagine.

By then, Zackary will be 24. Maybe he'll be able to guide Jacek a long the road of adolescence. Maybe Zackary will share a lesson learned.

Hopefully Zackary will be happy. Very happy.

I hope it's a page turner every step of the way.