Sunday, January 31, 2010

McGregor The Pier Builder

Brennan,

There was mass held in your honor this morning.  We did not go.  I'm sorry if you are disappointed in that but a part of me knows you understand.

I could have pushed Darren to go, arranged for someone to watch the boys so he could go to be there.  But I chose to step aside and let him decide for himself.  I've learned that's what works best.

I can't speak for Darren but it's obvious to me how much he hurts.  He will for the rest of his life.  He told me he makes the choice to not feel down because in the grand scheme of things he could easily say how much his life has really sucked. The unfairness beginning at the age of 3 when he wasn't given a choice in growing up without a father.  He grew up instead with stories from his Aunts and Uncles that he weaved together to make up a life.  It doesn't quite come close.  His anger and sadness towards this unfairness is just a part of him now, woven in and between and around everything that makes him, him.  Growing up, you were the closest to him.  You were his person.  You left me with shoes I can never fill. 

You were the narrator of sorts, of his story.  I think he feels he is alone in the sense that his story has quieted now for there's no one to share his life with.  He knows he has me but I am not you. 

I am sad because our boys will only know you from the stories they will weave together to make up a life.  It won't quite come close but I know Darren will do his best, eventually, when the pain lessens more with time, he will do his best to share your life with his sons.  They will not remember your face, your hugs or your laugh but I think Darren will make sure that they remember who you were and how you could make their Daddy laugh.

I miss hearing Darren on the phone with you.  He never laughs the same with anyone else.  When he would talk with you I could hear his laughter through out our entire house.  He also spoke so much louder with you too. You were the only one he ever really wanted to pick up the phone for.  You were the lucky one.

I miss the way Darren would talk about you.  He was proud of you for your constant determination to make something of your life.  He hurt for you and still does when it comes to your daughter.  He is afraid she will never know who her Daddy really was.  I hope someday Darren gets to talk to her about you and the choices you made with her in mind.  I hope someday somebody at least tries.

Today, Darren would have tried to call you, most likely leaving a raunchy message of some sort instead. 

He drank a beer in honor of you last night.  He cried.

We miss you. 

If you can, please wrap your arms around your mother today.  She needs it the most but you already know that.

Some how.  Some way.  I know you talk to us. 
Some how.  Some way.  I hope we're listening. 

Happy Birthday Brennan,

Where ever you are.

An old timer is talking to a young man in a bar in Scotland.
"Laddy, look oot there ta the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then he points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
He looks around nervously and mutters under his breath, "But ya screw one lousy sheep... "
{insert Brennan's laughter here}

5 comments:

Auntie M said...

It's truly hard when we lose one who has been such an important part of our lives, but the gift(s) they have given us live on forever and I truly believe it's up to us to pass those gifts on to others.

PS congrats on your 100th blog. You brighten my day.
Love and hugs.

Kristen said...

A terrible loss for all involved. I'm Sad for Darren and the pain he walks with. Not sure really if the phrase "time heals all wounds" ever truly applies when it comes to the deaths of ones we love...grief is a tricky thing. All good things must come to an end, I know, but it still "smucking blows"

Hugs to you all... <3

erica said...

love the ending.. that was sooo appropriate.. i know brennan would appreciate that.. give darren hugs and kisses for us.. i can't imagine how hard it must be for him.. just like losing a brother.. i don't think i've seen two cousins closer than the two of them were..
happy birthday brennan.. we love and miss you every day.. say hi to the family for us..

Candace said...

My thoughts are with you Darren and Kerri. Glad you are thinking of Brennan and had a beer in his honor. The tears are good too. It's hard. So hard. Keep him in your thoughts and talk about him a lot. That will help. Love you!

MomWheeler said...

It Is Always So Difficult To Lose The Ones We Love So Very Much! As We All Know Losing Brennan Was A Terrible Blow To The Kwiatkowski Family. Continue To Love Him..Always..Remember All The Wonderful Times You Spent Together..And Hold Brennan In Your Hearts To Get You Through The Days Without Him. He Would Want You To Continue To Live..Love And Laugh!
Rest In Peace Brennan..And "Happy Birthday" To You In Your Heavenly Home. You Are Missed So Very Much!
Darren..Continue To Keep Brennan's Memory Alive..I Understand The Sadness And Pain You Feel..But The Love You Have For Brennan Will Never Die. Surely All Those Crazy Memories Of You And He Growing Up Will Help Brighten Your Days!
Keep The Faith!
Darren..Kerri And The Kwiatkowski Family..You Are Always In Our Thoughts And Prayers!
We Send You Our Love!