Please stay on the line while I connect you with a.......even less capable human being

Customer Service?  

Customer Service is missing something these days. 

Am I right?  

You know what I think Customer Service is missing: 

1.)  THE Customer

2.)  Service

My heart is pounding in my ears I'm so irritated right now.  Today marks exactly one month since I RE-FAXED paperwork to our mortgage company for a loan modification.  Today marks the fourth time I have called our mortgage company to check on the status of our loan modification.  Today marks another 45 minutes I have wasted away little precious quiet time moments on our mortgage company.  I just spent way too much of MY time, on the phone with a computer, repeatedly saying "Customer Service Representative" and being told by a COMPUTER "There is normally a long hold time while waiting for a customer service representative.  I am confidant that I can assist you. Please let me help you."  

EXCUSE ME??????  

When did computers gain the ability to be feel confidant?  Are you smucking kidding me with this crap?

"GIVE ME A SMUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE", I scream into the phone.

So, there I am in all my teeth bared, fists clenched glory when I hear 

beep.    

a few seconds later.    

beep.  

I take my phone away from my ear.  

It's my call waiting.  

beep.

Our mortgage company is on my call waiting.  

I think to myself, 

"Whoever is on the other end of this line is one poor mother smuckin sap"

{{{Insert Evil laughter here}}}

"Hello" I say.  

Silence.  

"Helllll-oooooo"  

"This is Blah Blah Blah, calling from ABC.  

Is this Kerri (completely butchers my last name)?

"Well, yes it is.  I was just on the phone with your lovely automated customer service representative.  You know what she told me?  She told me that she is confidant that she could help me.  Are you as confidant as she is?"

Silence.

"Hello?" 

This poor guy resorts back to his awfully written legally bound script as he hurries to right himself with this crazy lady on the other end of the phone.  (I'm the crazy lady)

"Yes, sir I understand why you're calling but funny enough I was actually just trying to reach someone who could HELP ME!"  

I pause for effect.  "Can you help me?"

Resorts to script again.  I think a different page though.

"Yes, sir that's wonderful.  "Can you puhlease check the status of our loan modification paperwork?"

He says, "Just one minute please while I check on it."

Silence.  Such a long silence that I had to check to see if he hung up on me.  He would have been smart if he had.

He comes back on the line....finally.

He stutters at first.  I think I made him nervous.  Nah..he was probably snacking on some chips and one got stuck in his throat.

He clears his throat  "We received the paperwork on January 3rd.  It takes 30 days to review. Norm..."

I cut him off.  "Please don't say it takes 30-45 days to review."

"Normally it takes 30-45 days to review and someone will call you or write you a letter"  He finishes.

"Who's someone?"  I ask.

"Some one in the work out department will contact you.  Probably soon."

"The work out department?  Is that a real department?  It doesn't sound real."  I say with a chuckle.

"Yes, ma'am.  It is a real department.  They will call you.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?" he politely reads from his script.

"Yes, I would like the contact information for the work out department, please."

"I'm sorry?"  he questions

"I.  Would.  Like.  A.  Name.  and.  Telephone Number.  Of.  Someone.  Who.  Works.  In.  The.  Workout.  Department."

"They don't have any contact info ma'am."  

"Of course they don't, because they aren't real, are they?"  

"Are they?" I question louder

 Silence.

I continue.  "I just want to let you know that my boys went down for a nap at 1:15.  I called your 800 number and spent the next 45 minutes of my time without screaming yelling children to call you to get information.  Here I am now over an hour into MY quiet time and I still don't have an answer.  I am beyond frustrated.  I can't believe a huge company like ABC has this terrible unproductive customer service team."

Silence.  Flipping through his script book I think.  Most likely ABC left out the pages on how to deal with a Stay At Home Mother of Two Little Boys who have more energy then the energizer bunny even though they have been sick for two weeks straight and now have pink eye but somehow keep going and going and they wear their poor mother out until she just NEEDS quiet time and wishes someone would send her to time out so she can sit and do NOTHING for just a few minutes.

"ABC provides customer service for up to..."

I cut him off.  "Seriously?  More script reading?"  

"Is there anything else I can help you with today ma'am?" he asks, beginning to sound a little unsure about his script book saving his ass.

"Not unless you think you can actually help me?  Not confidant 'eh?"

"Thanks for calling ABC. Have a.."

"I didn't call you, you called me?  Remember?"  

"Oh yes".  he stammers.  "I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah.  I bet you are sorry about that."

CLICK.