Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Truthful Tuesdays - Life doesn't often allow for do-overs

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If you could "do-over" any one scene in your life... what would it be, and why?

 It was late or should I say early morning.  My then boyfriend and I had innocently enough fallen asleep on the couch in my parents living room.  I was 17.  We had asked my parents if we could get, The Paper, starring Michael Keaton on pay-per-view.  I don't remember anything about that movie but I do remember hearing my mothers footsteps coming down the stairs. 

She turned the corner and stood in the living room in front of us, wearing her light mint green zip up the front bathrobe.  I was on the couch with this boyfriend and we weren't laying in a very innocent way.  We were spooning with a bit of tangled up arms and legs mixed in.  

"Kerri Lynn, what in the hell is going on?"  she screams at me, her blood appearing to boil.

The truth of the matter was that we had done nothing.  I don't think we even "made out".  But, looking back, the position she found us in, was less then innocent.

He lived just down the road so he had walked to the house.  It was cold and snowing out so I said I would drive him home.

"Make it quick", my mother said to my back as I walked out the door.

She was sitting at the kitchen table when I returned home.  Still in her minty green bathrobe.  I took a deep breath and walked past her attempting to act like nothing really had happened because nothing really had. She demanded an explanation as any parent should demand upon finding their teenage daughter snake wrapped around a boy on their living room couch.

 I remember saying something along the lines of  
"Can't we talk about this tomorrow morning Mom? I'm tired."  

But my Mom wanted to talk about it right then and there.

I did not.

We were at an impasse.

I do not remember what I said to her as I began to walk away, making my way to the stairwell but whatever it was it couldn't of been very nice because my mom called out to me,
"You little son-of-a-bitch".

What I said in return echos still.  

With every ounce of hostility and teenager angst I had,  I turned and faced my mother

"No, I'm a daughter of a bitch", I said bitterly

and with the words spilled on the floor like milk, I walked away and up the stairs to my bedroom.

I don't know if those seven words hurt my mother the way I imagine they did.  I don't remember ever talking about the incident with her.  

I know when I got to my room I did not feel relief.  I felt sickened and instantly wished I could take those seven words back.  I wished I could have a "do-over". 

I still feel ashamed by my behavior that night. 
As I should. 
I can't imagine my child ever talking to me the way I spoke to my mother that night. 

I will be forever sorry for those words that I spewed at my mother in anger but I welcome the regret I feel as my punishment 

because

well, because I deserve it.

8 comments:

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

WOW! Your story had me glued! That sounds like an altercation between my mom and I. Not the exact situation or the exact words, but more that bickering, bantering, and sometimes downright nastiness that goes on between mothers and daughters. Now with a daughter of my own, I realize how hurtful and hateful I said to my own mom as a teenager must have been.

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Shell said...

When I read your story, and think of the things I said to my mom, I get a little thankful that I juat have boys. Teenage girls are moody as all can be.

Auntie M said...

I have no doubt every girl (woman) reading your blog today can identify with it in some way or other. And you're correct in thinking that the punishment of always having the memory of the unjustness of our words at one time or another while growing up is punishment enough. Thanks.

MomWheeler said...

*Well My Kerri-Beary...This Blog Warrants A Reply*
I Recall This Incident Very Clearly..But Not The Exact Words Spoken Between Us. Perhaps Neither One Of Us Handled This Particular Situation As We Should Have. Thinking Back Now I Believe It Was Something We Should Have "Talked About Tomorrow Morning" The Words We Exchanged That Night Were Definitely Not Very "Grown Up"..And Solved Absolutely Nothing!
And..You're Right..I Don't Recall Ever Discussing It Again.
"Words Spoken In The Heat Of Anger"
They Probably Hurt Me At The Moment..I Suppose I Was Trying To Protect My Third Baby Who Was Growing Up! In Short Time You Yourself Will Discover How Difficult It Is To Let Your "Little Ones Out Of The Nest"
I Accept Your Apology..If You Will Accept Mine..And After Holding Regret For 15 Years..You Can Let It Go Now..I Can Safely Say That All Mothers And Their Teenage Daughters Go Through Similiar Situations.
I Love You Very Much..And You've Become A Beautiful Young Woman That I Am So Very Proud Of!
By The Way..I Still Have The Minty Green Zip-Up Bathrobe!

Kristen said...

I was not living at home during that encounter, however I do remember you sharing that story with me. I think we all as teens say things we don't mean. It's harder when you actually have a good relationship with your parents. I said the dreaded "I hate you" to mom and dad and then raced upstairs...coming back down within minutes and silently giving them a hug and kiss...

Having two teens now (ugh :))of my own I prepare myself for such remarks. I suppose one can never prepare, but hey we try! Kids are great ;)

erica said...

i try to live my life feeling that i don't regret anything that i've ever done. i try to look at my "mistakes" as life lessons.. however, if i could have a do-over, looking back, i would never tell chet "i don't have to listen to you, you're not my father" i'd never have treated him in the way that i did.. truth of the matter is chet IS my father, the only true father that i've ever known and i'm SOO grateful to have him in my life.. i think i'm pretty darn lucky too..

2sisters said...

I think we all have moments like this, moments we aren't at all proud of, and wish that they had never happened. I remember one instance...background you need to know, I (both of us 2sisters) are adopted, and were adopted as babies so we have never known or wanted to know any parents but the ones we have. We have great parents, parents who would do anything for us. Once when I was about 14 my Dad was disciplining me for something I needed to be diciplined for, and I yelled at him "I don't care what you say, you aren't even my real dad." I've seen my dad cry twice in my life, and that was one of them. I still cry when I think of it. I didn't then, nor have I ever thought of him as anything other than my read dad. I will forever regret that those words escaped my lips.
Thanks for sharing.
teri

Rindie K said...

I do have a terrible temper and I have said many things out of anger as my kids were growing up ad sometimes still do out of sheer frustration and I am sickened every time I open my large mouth and spew in anger. It has always been my release instead of throwing something but it isnt good for relationships, it is just a nasty release. I usually do NOT mean what I say and wish all the time I could take it back. I have always had issues with this and wish I could stop. I try so carefully with the grandkids to NEVER say anything that would hurt them or crush their feelings and it seems easier with them than it did with my kids. I guess I just need some lip superglue!!