Thursday, March 4, 2010

Guest Blogger #3 - ERICA - A Day I'd Rather Forget

 Erica is my husbands cousin.  
She is my friend and an amazing woman.
On February 25th she sent me an email containing what she imagined was to be her guest blog post.
It was a good rant and an entertaining glimpse into her plans for her fast approaching wedding in September.  In it she expressed her lack of planning skills as well as the love she has for her fiance. 
However, later that same day I received a text message on my phone from her.
"I wrote something else.  Much deeper and more personal.  I'm sure you'll understand when you read it.  I did my best not to rant."
Later that night as I read the words of her second attempt, I found myself with a very wet face.
Like she told me, "You'll understand when you read it."
Without a doubt, you surely will.

Please be sure to show Erica some love by leaving a comment.
Thank her...
for pouring her heart out to us and being so honest.

Erica, I commend you for being brave enough to do both

A day I'd rather forget

I already wrote one blog/rant for my guest spot, but the more i think about it, I'm not satisfied with it.. As I'm thinking about it, I just realized that today is February 25th. I also noticed that Kerri "made a mistake" as to when I was supposed to have my blog ready.
March 11th was the original date, which I believe was no mistake at all.
As these two dates clicked into my head, it got me thinking as to what I probably should be writing about.  These two dates are significant because, on February 25, 1992, my oldest brother, Jerry, committed suicide.

March 11th would have been his 18th birthday. 
I was ten years old.

I've had eighteen long years to go through MANY grieving phases.. Confusion, bitterness, hatred, blame, anger.

Where do i lay in this grieving process now? 

Right now I'm at the point where I'd rather not think about him and acknowledge what he did to my family. I don't feel that he deserves to be remembered.. 
I know how bad that must sound, but he was selfish, and never gave us a second thought.. It was all about HIM and no one else.. We were the ones that were left to pick up the pieces.. I guess it makes me angry because he took "the easy way out".. 
Who hasn't had their life totally crushed? We all have, and we all find a way to get through it and deal with it in one way or another.

If you were to ask me, now, why my brother committed suicide, the best answer i could come up with is confusion and a broken heart.. 
I used to say that it was because of a girl, because that's what i was told.. I can't blame her any more and i don't.. I'd like to tell her that (send an e mail) but feel that if I make contact with her it would be some sort of betrayal to my mother.. I think I owe it to myself, just to get it off my chest.. 
I lay undecided with this..

It kills me to watch my mom try to find just a hint of him anywhere she looks.. My mom deserves better than that.

So on this day, the 18th anniversary of my brothers death, I would rather mourn Danny, Brennan and Uncle Brian.. Three men with bright souls that were taken from us.. That loved life and had such wonderful futures ahead of them. 

That actually wanted to live..

Jerry, I love you and hope that someday i can be at peace with what you did, not just to yourself, but to all of us.. 

I hope that wherever you are, you can see all that you're missing out on.. 
The wonderful niece and nephew that you'll never get to know, that will only know you from your photographs and the stories they hear..


Danielle said...

That was probably the most touching, heartfelt, unbelievable post I have ever read. It was amazing. The part where you refer to your mom constantly looking for any piece of him everywhere she a mother, this really got to me. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

Wow, that is moving... Erica, I hope you find that peace you are looking for. I'm not sure I'd be in a position much different from yours, with my emotions and all.

Kerri, thanks for introducing us to your cousin & friend :)

Confessions From A Working Mom

Mariah said...

Well, that may be the most realistic view I have heard in a while. How amazing that you were honest in your emotions. I appreciate that and am so glad this blog was in front of me at SITS today.

Danielle said...

There is a Rascal Flatts song on their new CD, Unstoppable that totally arrow's this topic and it makes me bawl my face and heart out.

Its #11 and its called WHY. Definitely worth a listen.

Micki said...

Erica that was so well written and thought out. You have become such a great young lady in your life journey. The sorrow that you endured at such a young age has allowed you to become the strong person you are today. I think you are at peace with the decision you have made about Jerry. I knew him as you know and I was angry at what he did as well. I think you are in your final stage of grieving. No one makes any of us do the things we do and knowing that is essential.

For a Mom to lose a child under any conditions should not be part of the life we live, but it is! I think you have showed your Mom the ultimate gift of love from an amazing daughter.

Love you Erica.

Auntie M said...

Bless your heart. It sounds as if you're ready to accept joy, peace, love and happiness without having to feel guilty or thinking you betray your loved ones by doing so. I wish you a wonderful and beautiful wedding day, and the continued intuitiveness you have shown in your blog. You are truly special.

sarah said...

Wow...thank you for sharing something so close to your heart, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to talk about it... I really truely hope and pray that you will find the peace you are looking for and need!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

That was very powerful. I especially liked how she is remembering those who wanted to live. So sad.

I am so sorry for all of the pain in the family.

Rindie K said...

To my daughter, I am glad that you had this chance to open up and let your feelings go about your brother. I am glad that you and Brandon and Chet were with me when it happened because if you weren't, then I would not be here today. I almost did not make it through the initial phase of mourning him. I still mourn each and every day, silently most of the time, and wonder "what if"? I know he is here with us and I know I will see him someday and the first thing I am going to do is kiss him the second is yell at him for all of the hurt and anger and angst I have had for 18 LONG years of my life. I am so glad for my beautiful grandchildren and there is a little of Jerry in both of them especially when I watch silently as Garrett goes about his VERY busy day. They almost make up for everything that was wrong in my life and I love you ALL very much!! Awful day but great blog!!

Kristen said...

Great blog Erica and an even bigger Great for your mom who understands your pain in this horrible situation....props to you both!! :)

Candace said...

Erica. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad you were able to write about something so close to the heart - it helps get things off your chest, process, grieve, be angry...all of it. I feel honored that you shared such a personal story. Thank you. And my thoughts are with you.

erica said...

wow.. i didn't expect such an overwhelming response, but then again, i didn't write for a response.. i wrote to release.. thank you everybody for your caring comments.. anyone that knows me, knows that i've been through a lot dealing with this.. i know it's going to be hard when my children are older and i have to explain the facts to them, but at least i'll be at a place where i wont be blaming anyone and i can give them just facts, just what i know.. i must say, that i'm glad that i'm finally at this place in my life, the hatred was just too consuming for me and made me miserable.. i have to thank my children for making me want to change my life and making me realize that i needed to be able to let go.. i need to be happy for them, they deserve that much..
kerri, thank you so much for this opportunity. i feel relieved being able to let my mom know how i feel..

PolishPrince said...

First off, great post! Although I had spent little time with Jerry, I remember him as a very kind, great kid. Brennan and I had a lot of fun with him when we were all together. I do have similar feelings on how he left this earth. I'm glad you could find a release through your writing. Not to mention the courage to share your feelings with everyone. :)