Erica is my husbands cousin.
She is my friend and an amazing woman.
On February 25th she sent me an email containing what she imagined was to be her guest blog post.
It was a good rant and an entertaining glimpse into her plans for her fast approaching wedding in September. In it she expressed her lack of planning skills as well as the love she has for her fiance.
However, later that same day I received a text message on my phone from her.
"I wrote something else. Much deeper and more personal. I'm sure you'll understand when you read it. I did my best not to rant."
Later that night as I read the words of her second attempt, I found myself with a very wet face.
Like she told me, "You'll understand when you read it."
Without a doubt, you surely will.
Please be sure to show Erica some love by leaving a comment.
for pouring her heart out to us and being so honest.
Erica, I commend you for being brave enough to do both
A day I'd rather forget
I already wrote one blog/rant for my guest spot, but the more i think about it, I'm not satisfied with it.. As I'm thinking about it, I just realized that today is February 25th. I also noticed that Kerri "made a mistake" as to when I was supposed to have my blog ready.
March 11th was the original date, which I believe was no mistake at all.
As these two dates clicked into my head, it got me thinking as to what I probably should be writing about. These two dates are significant because, on February 25, 1992, my oldest brother, Jerry, committed suicide.
March 11th would have been his 18th birthday.
I was ten years old.
I've had eighteen long years to go through MANY grieving phases.. Confusion, bitterness, hatred, blame, anger.
Where do i lay in this grieving process now?
Right now I'm at the point where I'd rather not think about him and acknowledge what he did to my family. I don't feel that he deserves to be remembered..
I know how bad that must sound, but he was selfish, and never gave us a second thought.. It was all about HIM and no one else.. We were the ones that were left to pick up the pieces.. I guess it makes me angry because he took "the easy way out"..
Who hasn't had their life totally crushed? We all have, and we all find a way to get through it and deal with it in one way or another.
If you were to ask me, now, why my brother committed suicide, the best answer i could come up with is confusion and a broken heart..
I used to say that it was because of a girl, because that's what i was told.. I can't blame her any more and i don't.. I'd like to tell her that (send an e mail) but feel that if I make contact with her it would be some sort of betrayal to my mother.. I think I owe it to myself, just to get it off my chest..
I lay undecided with this..
It kills me to watch my mom try to find just a hint of him anywhere she looks.. My mom deserves better than that.
So on this day, the 18th anniversary of my brothers death, I would rather mourn Danny, Brennan and Uncle Brian.. Three men with bright souls that were taken from us.. That loved life and had such wonderful futures ahead of them.
That actually wanted to live..
Jerry, I love you and hope that someday i can be at peace with what you did, not just to yourself, but to all of us..
I hope that wherever you are, you can see all that you're missing out on..
The wonderful niece and nephew that you'll never get to know, that will only know you from your photographs and the stories they hear..