Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Girl And Her Toys (Warning! Sex toy talk)

I got invited 
(by a Mom at playgroup)
to a pleasure party.

Pleasure party?

That's the politically correct term nowadays.

For those of us, non-hip nor PC people
we say Sex toy party 


I attended without a plus 1.
I went prepared to feel awkward in a room with 12 strangers
surrounded by latex, silicone and gadgets
but with an open mind as well.

The woman were drinking
a lot.

The person selling the toys was sweaty

a guy

and very openly over the top gay.
(How many times do you have to reference the fact that you're gay?  
I get it, we all get it...)

He was funny
 but became more funny rude as the party progressed.

He did well taking the attention away from 
the TOYS and putting it on himself.

Some of the women seemed to appreciate that

but 

he also made jokes that were kind of inappropriate
(maybe I'm just old school)

For instance,

He commented on the size of one woman's breasts and continually addressed her as "titties" even after the initial joke had come and gone....
and he told a woman she would need a firming gel for her "va-jay-jay" because she had had 4 kids.  

They were noticeably insulted but
remained a lot calmer then say....
maybe I would have.
  
I was ready to take him down with a nice
 big 

Just sayin. 

After he asked me, 
"Are you just quiet or socially inept?"
I was thinking....

Seriously?!?  
THROAT PUNCH

"I just don't really like you is all."
{{Laughter...smile...eye glare}}

He retreated as he tried to figure out if I was joking or being serious.   

That's right biotch!  Suck it!

 The first 20 minutes were spent
drinking, pretending trying to socialize
and laughing at the host
as he set up his goods on the only available table...

A baby changing table.

He started with lubricants
which were passed around
and us ladies squirted little drops onto our hands.

A few ladies rubbed it elsewhere.

They were drinking.  A lot.

Then he brought out the rabbits.
(Warning!! Clicking on the above picture will take you to a sex toy site!)

The room of women grew very loud at this point.

My ears began to hurt. 
Squealing and cackling becomes very annoying very quickly.

The guy sharing his personal stories
about ramming and jacking and stroking
was becoming a bit too much for me.

To each their own but seriously
I DON'T NEED VISUALS
PAIRED with PROPS.

I just don't.

One guest asked the guy if he had brought any other "animals".
 Apparently she was looking to buy a dolphin.

"I only sell rabbits"

I mean duh, can you imagine how hard traveling with dolphins would be? 
With the large water tanks and all. 

The room quickly became littered with toys, 
rabbits, tubes of lubricants, a tongue
and a suctioned cupped purple dildo on the TV.

I am not against having fun with toys
but I'd rather avoid the hoopla next time.

The party was fun but a bit over done.

After all the crude stories and somewhat belligerent ranting about straight guys and how they all need delay cream

the guy announced he was going upstairs to discretely take orders.
Seriously?  Now, you're being discrete.

I sent a text to Darren.

Me: Can I spend a $100 on stuff?
Darren:  Uh no
Me:  So nothin then?
Darren:  A little not $100
Me: The cheapest rabbit is $58
Darren:  WTF...that's a lot..nothing cheaper? 20?


I laughed out loud.  I could feel the drunken stares burning into the back of my skull.

Me:  Um no
Darren:  I gotta say no.  That's your grill money.  I don't want to be a bummer but that's a lot.  U agree?

I did.
I want a red shiny gas grill a lot more then a rabbit.
But Darren wasn't done texting me yet.

Darren:  Any clearance vibes?

 I about fell out of my seat

Gotta love the way the man thinks..
Mr. bargain vibe shopper.

The only clearance vibe I'd use is the one I already have, the one that is free and wrapped up in the fancy package..
ya know, my husband.

I got home and googled the rabbit I had set my sights on.
Turns out some places get rabbits by the truckload
and sell them for $50 not $100.

So I can get my gold jack rabbit
 (Warning!  Clicking on the above picture will take you to Amazon.com's
listing for the Jack Rabbit Vibrator)

And 
a red shiny gas grill.


How dare that guy try to sell me a $50 rabbit for $100?!?

THROAT PUNCH


You don't mess with a girl and her toys.  
You Just Don't.


**This post is not intended to insult or offend anyone.  This is my personal take on a pleasure party I attended recently.  The guy was a nice guy and I would recommend him as a host if a raunchier type party is what you're looking for**

14 comments:

Kristen said...

Ummm...WOW! lol...sorry I missed it?! lol...surprised you stuck around...perv! haha..yea, too much for me. The only rabbit I need, is the one living in my compost pile..heehee

Jb said...

Thanks for the warning! Yikes!
Love the hubby's bargain hunting! My DH would probably have been looking for bargains too...at the flea market or a garage sale! Ew...
this is probably why I won't ever own one ;)

Melissa said...

I have never been to one of those parties! I would hve to be with certain friends to enjoy it or else I would feel WAY too awkward...

MommyLovesStilettos said...

LMAO Clearance vibes!! Hahahaha!!!

My Book Barn said...

This has to be one of the funniest blog posts I've ever read! LMAO Traveling with dolphins & Clearance vibes!!! Haaa!!!!
~Angela

debbie hoffman said...

I have been waiting for a review of this night!! way to funny All I can say is your a brave girl I don't think I would have even gone.

erica said...

i personally find it very easy to travel with dolphins.. don't leave home with out them actually.. haha.. i find it very hard to travel with out them.. (inside joke that kerri will get)
hey kerri, you can find a rabbit even cheaper than that @ pureromance.com .. just thought i'd throw that out there for ya, ya know, just in case.. ;)

The Mommalogues said...

OMG!! I am so FOLFLAO right now! That is hilarious!

Anne said...

LMAO!! I have *secretly* always wanted to be invited to one of these parties--but the invite never comes! Now I have lived vicariously through your experience...and maybe that's good enough ;)

Shell said...

I laughed my way through this- thinking that I would NOT have been able to keep my mouth shut if I'd been there. I would have had to say something to that guy.

Sounds sort of funny, but mostly just annoying. I think I'll stick to online for that stuff. ;)

Daisygirl said...

hahahahaha! Okay I have to go pee from laughing so hard I will be right back....

okay much better! I am confused why would a guy a gay guy be in charge of this type of party? I would have kicked him in his Gucci's!

So laughing at the clearance vib comment by your hubby!

Ally said...

I still have a drawer filled with "Slumber Party" goods. There's this weird pressure at those things to buy up as much as you can and look slutty and daring, but when your hubby is a stuffed shirt, they're useless. Ha ha!

FourthGradeNothing.com

Adrienne said...

Ba ha ha I have been to one of these and I thought wow My friend and I are the only ones not over like 50 here and the lady doing this acts like she has never used one before...I could have sold more vibes than her and mr. man needed a throat punch

Bobbi said...

You are getting SO good at telling a great story.
This was a perfect example about what funny really is. Great use of pictures and text messages.