Last Thursday as Darren and I pulled out of our driveway my tummy filled with butterflies.
"We've never done this before. I can't believe we're doing this, are you nervous? I'm so nervous"
I don't remember his exact words but he wasn't nervous.
I grew more and more anxious as we drove.
We arrived at the school and I became nauseous. I took a deep breath and stared at the elementary school that my son might be attending in the fall.
My son.
Going to school.
Gulp.
Our school receives a grant each year to offer
40 (4 years old by Dec 1) children a
Pre-K, ALL DAY, 5 days a week program.
I want Jacek to go.
but then again
I don't.
I know he is ready. I know being in this learning environment at 4 1/2 will benefit him in ways I can only begin to imagine.
I know this will be good for him.
Gulp.
But what about me?
Mommy.
{{{Sigh}}}
We were there for a parent...
(oh my goodness we're parents)....informational night.
There are two Pre-K classrooms and two very different teachers. Both the teachers spoke about themselves,their expectations and thoughts on the program.
I was impressed by the curriculum.
I was impressed by their enthusiasm.
The butterflies in my stomach disappeared and were replaced with a heavy feeling.
A mixture of pride, sadness and amazement.
I was there representing my son who will some day
represent me.
I was there to make a decision
about my son's future in education.
The pressure is great.
A part of me thinks 5 days a week, all day from 8:45a to 3:30p is
A LOT for a 4 1/2 year old.
What do you think?
A part of me isn't ready to hand over any trust to a bus driver
or wave bye bye to my 4 1/2 year old as he gets on the bus on his way to school.
A part of me is just not ready
but I think
that part of me is never going to be ready.
Ever.
In 6 short months I could
have a son starting school
and starting
down the path that leads him in the opposite
direction of me.
{{{Sigh}}}
If more then 40 children registered then the acceptance defaults to a lottery system. We will find out if he's enrolled by the beginning of April. It'll be exciting to know and we'll have the summer to prepare or plan an alternative plan of action.
If he is enrolled and we begin to prepare for him to attend I have a decision to make.
I currently work on the weekends.
If Jacek is going to be in school 5 days a week the last thing I'm going to want to do on Saturday and Sunday
is drive away from him and go to work.
I know things will work themselves out
and change is good and necessary
and him starting school will happen
whether or not he starts this year or
next...
whether or not he starts this year or
next...
but knowing that
doesn't make it easier.
It just doesn't.
It's a complicated weighted issue.
At least for me.
I'm his Mommy
and as much as I tell him to not have a FIT over things.
Mommy is having a FIT over this.
A stomping, crying, anxiety ridden, sometimes screaming, heart breaking FIT.
And, no...it ain't pretty.
{{{Sigh}}}
