Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Waiting to Be Ready

Last Thursday as Darren and I pulled out of our driveway my tummy filled with butterflies.


"We've never done this before.  I can't believe we're doing this, are you nervous? I'm so nervous"  



I don't remember his exact words but he wasn't nervous.  

I grew more and more anxious as we drove.


We arrived at the school and I became nauseous.  I took a deep breath and stared at the elementary school that my son might be attending in the fall.  


My son.   
Going to school. 
Gulp.

Our school receives a grant each year to offer 
40 (4 years old by Dec 1) children a 
Pre-K, ALL DAY, 5 days a week program. 

I want Jacek to go.
but then again
I don't.

I know he is ready.  I know being in this learning environment at 4 1/2 will benefit him in ways I can only begin to imagine. 
I know this will be good for him.

Gulp.
But what about me? 
Mommy.

{{{Sigh}}}

We were there for a parent...
(oh my goodness we're parents)....informational night. 
There are two Pre-K classrooms and two very different teachers.  Both the teachers spoke about themselves,their expectations and thoughts on the program.  
I was impressed by the curriculum. 
I was impressed by their enthusiasm.  

The butterflies in my stomach disappeared and were replaced with a heavy feeling.  
A mixture of pride, sadness and amazement.

I was there representing my son who will some day 
represent me.

I was there to make a decision 
about my son's future in education.
The pressure is great. 


A part of me thinks 5 days a week, all day from 8:45a to 3:30p is 
A LOT for a 4 1/2  year old.
What do you think?

A part of me isn't ready to hand over any trust to a bus driver
or wave bye bye to my 4 1/2 year old as he gets on the bus on his way to school.

A part of me is just not ready
but I think
that part of me is never going to be ready.
Ever.

In 6 short months I could 
have a son starting school
and starting
down the path that leads him in the opposite
direction of me.

{{{Sigh}}}

If more then 40 children registered then the acceptance defaults to a lottery system.  We will find out if he's enrolled by the beginning of April.  It'll be exciting to know and we'll have the summer to prepare or plan an alternative plan of action.

If he is enrolled and we begin to prepare for him to attend I have a decision to make.

I currently work on the weekends.
If Jacek is going to be in school 5 days a week the last thing I'm going to want to do on Saturday and Sunday 
is drive away from him and go to work.

I know things will work themselves out
and change is good and necessary
and him starting school will happen 
whether or not he starts this year or
next...
but knowing that 
doesn't make it easier.
It just doesn't.

It's a complicated weighted issue.
At least for me.
I'm his Mommy
and as much as I tell him to not have a FIT over things.

Mommy is having a FIT over this.

A stomping, crying, anxiety ridden, sometimes screaming, heart breaking FIT.
And, no...it ain't pretty.

{{{Sigh}}}


18 comments:

Shell said...

Aw, hun, it is hard! I'm actually having the same issue with my soon-to-be 4 year old. He could continue at the school that he is in next year or he could do a similar program. While I think it could help him, it's also a really long day...and it would be at the same time that my oldest would be starting kindergarten, full-day(he is NOT in that pre-k program- we moved partway through the year and it was full).

It's so hard to decide! Would you be able to work while he's in school instead?

Good luck with your decision.

Melissa said...

That is tough! I can't imagine. Hayden is going ot start going 3 mornings a week (form 8am until noon). He will be 3.5. And that gets me thinking to two years from now when he will start Kindergarten. I can't even imagine.

Good luck! I think Jacek will do fine with going to school "full time." Although it will be a transition - for both of you.

Messy Mommy said...

When we took our son to kindergarten round-up, I was all like, "Oh I'm so ready for this I'm not emotional at all." When I hugged him goodbye I bawled like a baby!

~Shelley~ said...

Yes...it is VERY hard to let your baby go. I've done it three times, and it never gets easier :( But the kids THRIVE in school..it is so good for them socially. My son is a little different, because he is autistic, so he NEEDS school and the social aspect.

My heart goes out to you...but remember, he will LOVE it!!!! And as each day passes, it gets easier on Mommy :)

((hugs))

erica said...

i don't know how i feel about the ALL day long already.. i put myleigh in pre-K when she was 4.. she only went for 2 1/2 hrs though.. it killed me to put her on the bus.. the only ppl that have driven my kids anywhere has been me and carl lee, and my parents.. i think that pre-K will be a great experience for him.. great socializing and they get to have a lot of fun and make a lot of friends.. myleigh absolutely loved it.. don't get me wrong.. she had one teacher and two aides.. i knew the teacher and one of the aides.. the aide was actually my babysitter growing up, so i got lucky.. as far as work goes, i'm lucky enough to be able to stay home.. but as soon as garrett starts school, you can bet your bottom i'm goin out and gettin a job.. i'll be darned if i'm sittin home all day.. lol.. =) good luck with whatever you decide.. just remember, it's gonna happen sooner or later, we just prefer it be later..;)

Auntie M said...

I think you have to separate your mis-givings from any you feel Jacek may have. Bottom line is you know your child and probably have a really good idea of whether this schedule will work for him or not.
Most of our grandchildren were all day kindergarteners and it was my experience that the teachers do incorporate rest time and are intuitive as to what the children need on any particular day. It's a big adjustment for not only the child, but mommy and daddy also. Hang in there, this is the first of many "growing up" moments. You'll smile more than you'll cry. And Jacek will also. LOL

Kmama said...

Coming over from Shells...

Parenting is soooo tough. Last year we made the difficult decision to put my son in Kindergarten (versus Early 5's...due to his age). We are now trying to make another difficult decision on whether or not to have him repeat Kindergarten.

For what it's worth, my recommendation would be to put him in the program. He will benefit from it.

Good luck with your decision.

Brittney said...

i start crying everytime i think about mine going off to school and hes only 2! i dont blame you :)

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

I TOTALLY know how you feel-- G is still 3 years from pre-K, but I am already worried about how I will handle it. And don't get me started on her going off to college (hopefully somewhere close) or getting married (hopefully to someone who lives in town). I can't handle thinking that far in the future!

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

When I have a tough decision to make I always thing about the option that could be most changed.

If you don't let him go and you are sorry it will be too late. If you let him go and it is not working out, you can pull him out.

Good luck! I have five kids and I am forever in turmoil over making decisions that are best for each one of them!!

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Gulp, Gulp, Gulp Mommy ... there is always something new and it's always deliciously scary :-) And yippeeee I am your latest follower- hop you stop by my place soon!

Danielle said...

How lucky Jacek is to have parents that will put themselve thru nervousness and anxiousness in order to explore an opportunity for him.

singedwingangel said...

Found ya at Shelle's place and came by.. I so hear ya I have done that 3 times already. I figured after the first it wouldn't be as hard oh how wrong I was. The last was the worst and he was all ready to go lol. Couldn't wait for the bus to come get him so he could be like his brothers. I was a basket case...

Sarah With Scissors said...

it's so tough... but you'll eventually discover that sometimes having them at school is a good thing... eventually

Terry said...

oh my goodness...I made it thru your post with just a sniffle or two...but these comments have the tears rolling....
I have 2 more to send off to school...my first was traumatic for me.
Can't we just keep them babies????
Good luck!

purseblogger said...

This is one of the hardest things as a mother. My son's school has a mandatory all day kindergarten and that was just too much for him. He'd be so tired and grumpy when he got home. Good luck on the decision. :)

Chris Weigand said...

I remember those days, they seem so long ago. I remember driving away after leaving my son at kindergarten. The tears streamed down my face. When my other son and oldest daughter went it was a little easier. But then my youngest daughter went to full day kindergarten, wow that was hard letting her go. Of course as I sit with her four years later and she argues with me about the flavor of ice cream and going to bed, I wonder why I was so upset. It is so peaceful with her at school all day.

Danielle said...

LIfe Without Pink just wrote something similar to this on her post...
Parenting is honestly the hardest job I have had or will ever had. I am convinced. My oldest is 17 and I cannot come to grips with the fact that he will actually leave us and go to college next year. He won't be sleeping here at night? He won't come in from baseball practice and dump all of his smelly cleats, glove and gym bag on the floor for me to wash? He won't call me every day on his way home to say, "Mom, I'm starved. What's for dinner?" My eyes have filled with tears as I write this. Of course we want our kids to have the best and live the best life they can...to experieince all that the world has to offer. Can't they just do it under the same roof as us?!? Unfortunately, they can't. We have to trust that we have taught them right from wrong and send them out into the world and know that they take a piece of us everywhere they go. They know that we love them and will always be right here if they need us. Ugh. Very hard but the change is inevitable.
Ah, forget it...maybe I'll just move into the dorms with him next year! :)