Will you be my friend? Circle Yes or No.

You know how in "chick flicks" there's a focus on how girls are so girlie?  They show the girls hanging out with their girlfriends and getting their nails done, gossiping, talking on the phone for hours, shopping, drinking fancy wine, and sunbathing.  

Yeah.  I've never been able to relate.

I don't know if I would say I've shied away from it, avoided it, or just realize it's not who I am. 

I'm not knocking those girls/ladies/women here.  All's I'm saying is, that ain't me.

I don't feel comfortable engaging in conversation with women I don't know very, very well.  I feel pressure.  I get so nervous.  In the first few seconds of conversation my mind does such a whirlwind of things I can't even form a thought.  I wonder what they are thinking about me, what they are thinking of the clothes I'm wearing, my face, my everything.  It's exhausting. 

So, I gave it up for awhile.  I stopped trying to make new friends.

I've had and have girlfriends that I feel close with.  I've never been in with a group of lady friends though.  I don't know how it's even possible, for everyone to like everyone else.  In my experience an evening out with a group of different friends always ends up a drama filled horrific mess.  

Or just plain awkward.  

I'm not sure which is worse.

As I get older it's becoming easier to dismiss woman that I don't think are friend material for me (I totally sound like a dude) but at the same time it's becoming harder for me to give up trying to make things work out.  In a way I feel like my time is running out to make any form of a lasting relationship.  I feel a requirement or something to push the relationship on.

I am learning it only makes it that much more awkward.

I have hopes to be 70 years old, wearing a red hat and hanging out at lunch with my old broads.  Do they call each other broads?  Should I have any when I'm 70, I would call my girls, my broads.  Those that are my true friends would think it awesome to be called my broad...

Yo, you my broad?

When I was in high school I was labeled, you can figure out what label, because I had more guy friends then girls.   I think the girls just assumed I must be more concerned with getting a boyfriend then being a girl and doing girl things.  Back then, they called what I was a tomboy.  Does that term still exist?

Back then, I simply couldn't put into words the pressure I felt by girls my age.  It seemed there was a huge list of things I had to change about myself in order to be accepted.  I rather they consider me a lost cause then force myself to be somebody I just clearly wasn't.  After awhile my path just stopped crossing with the girls altogether.  I walked away from my high school days with a handful of girlfriends.  

I apparently still carry that apprehensiveness. 

Now I am a mom and I feel I NEED to be friends with the mothers of the children that Jacek or Aidan seem to like.

Where does this need come from?  Why do I put so much pressure on myself over this?

Why?  why?  why?

Even after I tell myself numerous times that there just isn't enough to build a relationship on, I will find myself thinking and racking my brain for a way to reach common ground.

I feel guilty.  I feel obligated.  

But.  Do they?

I tell myself that we should at least chat because our sons like one another or because she likes another of the Moms that I kind of like too.  It's ridiculous.  It really is.

I go round and round and round.  Then I wonder if they might be having these same crazy thoughts and worries.

It absolutely, without a doubt, drives me smuckin bonkers. 

Maybe tomorrow when I drop Jacek off at school I'll slip a folded piece of paper into the pocket of another Mom.

It will read:

Will you be my friend?  Circle Yes or No.

If you circle yes, please complete the attached 4 page questionnaire and I'll call you for a coffee/play date.  

If you circle no please don't be offended the next time I completely avoid the uncomfortable small talk outside the closed classroom doors.  I'd rather save my energy for playing with my son after school.

Ya know, to make things easier and much more clearly defined.
At least that way, we'll be on the same page.

Deeper then surface

Invest means gain.  Do you invest?

I have never been comfortable making small talk and because I'm not I hardly ever initiate a conversation.  I have become increasingly aware of this as I grow older, especially now being thrown into a more social  phase because I have children.

It's becoming a very rare thing to go to a public place with the boys and not be caught in small talk with strangers.  Someone always has a comment about the boys or questions or just something to say. When it happens a part of my psyche freezes and I cringe.  My mind races, my thoughts collide and as I begin to panic the other person fills the awkward silence by saying even more thus sending me into sensory overload.  Engaging.  Strangers.  I  s t r u g g l e.

Not for the reasons you'd expect though.  I am not really shy.  I am confidant in speaking and sharing my knowledge, my opinion and my thoughts. That's how I am around my close knit friends. I'm a talker, friendly and comfortable in my own skin.

I'm not surrounded by tons of people because of this.  Because I'd rather have 4 close relationships then 261 surface ones. 

When it comes to people... I don't buy, I invest.  My problem isn't turning it on, it's turning it off.

I am not a small talker because it feels cheap to me. Why put in the effort if you're not going to get any return? It's just not worth it to me.  I never know how much to share.  I tend to share to much and often feel over extended and empty because I don't get anything back.  I rarely find the middle ground.  I'm here to have relationships not to chit chat.

Friendships.  I want friendships not acquaintances. 

Our society is making me have to learn the skill of small talk though because without it I'd walk by hundreds of people and never make contact.  Because people are too busy or shut off to new beginnings to invest in someone that isn't already in their life.  I only know how to have emotional connections.  Surface talk makes me uncertain and uncomfortable but I am beginning to see why it works for so many people.

I've learned that some small talk can be beneficial.  Small talk with the customer service representative might get you a discount or at the very least service with a smile.  Asking the gray haired gentleman who speaks of his grandchildren how old they are will make him feel important and appreciated and asking your boss how their holiday was will hopefully lead to more connections with them in the future.  Small talk is like a short term investment.

The fact that I'm not a surface talker is probably pretty obvious but at least I'm trying.   I will always prefer a conversation with a close friend to one with someone who doesn't even know my name.  But I understand they can both be valuable tools to have.  

What about you?  When you talk are you sharing things about yourself or is all the information your "sharing" about someone else you know?  Are you willing to let your guard down and relate to another human being?  Are you being yourself? 

Are you able to connect? Or do you to choose to remain a surface talker?  Asking how someone is but walking to fast to hear their response.  Skimming the surface. Not dwelling on one subject but instead jumping from topic to topic so as to not get to deep or invested.

Invest means gain.  Do you invest?