I lost track of that for a bit. It might happen again. I know Darren will reel me back in. He's good like that.
I am writing for me. Damn it! Me.
For those of you who do follow and who do read...I am writing for me, for an outlet, for a continued attempt to become true
not followed or famous.
Darren always get me to talk. He gets me to talk even when the voice in my head advises me to stay quiet. He does't even ask questions really. I just spill my guts.
Alot of my guts revolve around a few certain things so Darren tends to hear the same stuff repeatedly but he doesn't seem to mind.
This morning was no different. Sparked by a total off handed comment on a completely different subject the feelings came rushing back. I am always so sad when we first begin talking about it, then I get upset. The anger quickly turns into hurt then into resentment and then I end up back where I started. No where.
Some days I really miss her a lot.
Some times I get the urge to go and knock on her door but I hesitate and the moment passes.
I know that life is short. I understand we only get so many chances. I know that certain things are worth fighting for and I know she is one of them but I suppose my increasing feeling of defeat is beginning to weigh heavy on my heart.
In my mind she needs rescuing. In her mind I doubt she sees things that way. In fact I know she sees things differently.
Having relationships with people means that you have to accept certain things. With this one though I guess I refuse to....for no other reason then I want things to be different, so very different.
I try to apply "It is what it is" but it doesn't fit here, if it is what it is, then it's crap.
Most of the time I am ok with the way things are. It doesn't occur to me that the "feelings" are still lingering until I realize that things should be different, that I WANT them to be different and somtimes I so very badly need them to be.
And then I think,
she's ok with the way things are.
And that really, really kills me.