Sunday, January 10, 2010

Retracing my steps

I spent my morning talking with Darren.  It was nice.  I mentioned to Darren that my fear of writing honestly is back. He reminded me that this is my blog and I began it as a promise to myself.  I started to get caught up in the things that don't really matter to me, worrying about whose reading and sad that the daily comments are few.  What does matter, the whole reason I've come this far, is that I've been honest.  Open.  and Honest.   With myself.

I lost track of that for a bit.  It might happen again.  I know Darren will reel me back in.  He's good like that.

I     am    writing      for     me.    Damn it!    Me.

For those of you who do follow and who do read...I am writing for me, for an outlet, for a continued attempt to become true
not followed or famous.

Darren always get me to talk.  He gets me to talk even when the voice in my head advises me to stay quiet. He does't even ask questions really.  I just spill my guts.

Alot of my guts revolve around a few certain things so Darren tends to hear the same stuff repeatedly but he doesn't seem to mind. 
This morning was no different.   Sparked by a total off handed comment on a completely different subject the feelings came rushing back.  I am always so sad when we first begin talking about it, then I get upset. The anger quickly turns into hurt then into resentment and then I end up back where I started.  No where.

Some days I really miss her a lot.

Some times I get the urge to go and knock on her door but I hesitate and the moment passes.

I know that life is short.  I understand we only get so many chances.  I know that certain things are worth fighting for and I know she is one of them but I suppose my increasing feeling of defeat is beginning to weigh heavy on my heart.

In my mind she needs rescuing.  In her mind I doubt she sees things that way.  In fact I know she sees things differently.

Having relationships with people means that you have to accept certain things.  With this one though I guess I refuse to....for no other reason then I want things to be different, so very different.

I try to apply "It is what it is" but it doesn't fit here, if it is what it is, then it's crap. 

Most of the time I am ok with the way things are.  It doesn't occur to me that the "feelings" are still lingering until I realize that things should be different, that I WANT them to be different and somtimes I so very badly need them to be.

And then I think,
she's ok with the way things are. 

And that really, really kills me.


Candace said...

I think it's okay for you to feel the way you do. For you to want things to be different. But I also think that you need to come to terms with the fact that she may be happy with things the way they are. Or content. Or oblivious. Whatever the case may be. BUT you should continue to feel the way you feel and wish things were different...and if/when the day comes that she is ready to change things, hopefully you're still there wanting to. We can only be ourselves. And if being you means that you want more, keep wanting more. You may get hurt, but I think it's worth it. I think. (Sometimes I wonder though...)

Kristen said...

Not sure really if this post is intended for me, but in either case I felt I needed to say this as there has been alot in my head lately and this is good a time as any...

My little sister, almost all of my life we've had each other. At certain times we have laughed together, cried together, yelled at each other, lied to each other, but we have always loved each other.
In my heart I know that everything I do, will somehow have an effect on you. I try so hard to always set a good example. Life isn't easy, and when it's not, I want to be there to guide your way with you. I want you to know, that no matter where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm with, if you are in trouble, I'll drop everything, and be there. Sometimes, life gets in the way of who we really want to be. You are, and will always be, my bestest friend. I love you very much and want you to always have faith in that. My little sister, I am here for you always. <3

erica said...

first of all, i always find that i need tissues while reading your blog and the comments.. very emotional.. but it's good to get it all out.. second, you're right, you're writing for you, but in that you're also writing for others.. i love your honesty, and you help to show ppl that they're only human.. you tell about the things that other ppl think they should be ashamed of, but then when (i) read your blog it shows me that "i'm not the only one". you give me a sense of "normalcy". a little piece of advice, it's always good to face your "demons" head on.. you have to figure out the right way to do it, and let them go.. it's a tremendous weight to be rid of.. it's not easy, and i know i have a few more to face myself just not sure how to approach them yet.. i know that if i hadn't gotten through quite a few of them, carl lee and i wouldn't be getting married.. this whole time he's been the one that wanted to get married, not me.. i got some things right in my head (only took me 6 yrs) and now i'm ready.. same thing with family and friends. analyze the things that you really can't deal with and see what things you can just let go of. fight for what you believe, always, and know for sure what it is you're fighting for..;)

Kerri said... is worth it, it totally is. Sometimes I guess it just takes us awhile to see

@ Kristen..I love you and hope things get easier for us

@ Erica..thank you for sharing, for reading and for being a part of my life...